Black Girl Pain...

The Cinnamon Challenge

2012-01-24T21:04:00.000-05:00

Just for laughs...I know some of you seen this before but who cares.

Twitter: www.twitter.com/flyspacequeen

Roommates? Over It.

2012-01-20T14:51:00.000-05:00

As some of you know my birthday was Wednesday (the 18th), and I turned 32 years old. (YES! 32! I'm old as hell). Turning 32 triggered something in me...actually, I have been thinking hard since the beginning of 2012. Esoterically, 2012 is about major change and the end of an era. I am at the end of the roommate era. I am actually at the end of a lot of things' era (wait...what?), but this blog is about roommates.

Author's Note: Let me preface this blog by saying I don't have a problem with my roommates...and I don't think it's a bad idea. I just realized this is no longer for me.

I realized a few weeks ago that I never really lived alone. I was "aware" of this fact but I didn't recognize the significance of my living situations. In college, I lived with 7 other females and it surprisingly worked out well. I can't recall any real arguments or fights my friends and I ever had. And we only had ONE bathroom (with two showers). Sure there were times when we'd be annoyed but in reality, this was probably the best roommate situation I ever had.

After graduating, I was house hopping for a few months. Then I moved in with my late ex-boyfriend. We lived together for approximately 3 years. Once we broke up, I moved into my own place but within three months, my boyfriend from NC started staying on this 2 weeks here, 2 weeks in NC schedule. Then he completely moved in and we were together for about 5 years. In June 2010, he moved out. And in October 2010, I moved to New York.

So essentially, I lived alone a total of 5 months my adult life. And I'm 32. What is my life like? Currently I'm living with my second set of roommates since I've been in NY. They are pretty cool, laid back, and I hardly see them. This fact makes me think about living alone and all of the things I could do if I did live alone. That list includes:

Walking around naked
Playing Maroon 5's "Songs About Jane" cd loudly (or Nicki Minaj...don't judge me)
Shower/Bath combos (basically soak in a bubble bath while reading a book and drinking wine...then finishing that with a shower)
Eating breakfast at dinner without looking like I'm poor
Having everyone and their cousin up in my place

I have to admit, I'm a bit of a loner. When I am at home (even when I lived alone), I like to chill in my bedroom, listen to music, and play on the computer. Some people take this as me being standoffish or are offended and think I don't like them. This isn't the truth. I just like to be quiet. I like quietness. I like to be alone with my own thoughts and ideals. At the same time, I keep an open house. I like visitors. I open my house to friends and family whenever they need it. I will NOT let any one I care about be out on the street, or paying for some fancy ass hotel when they can stay with me for free. This is an issue because while I don't care, others do.

However...I need to live alone out of selfishness, and because of the fact I have never done it before. I need a good year of living alone. I start realizing that I'd rather be broke and live alone then have quite a bit of money and live under restrictions. I can't blame anyone for that...when you live with others you must compromise. But I am so over compromising. I want to do what I want when I want...and with that said, I decided once my lease is up at this new place, I will move out on my own. People will say living alone in NY is not the best idea but I can't listen to others anymore.

Anyway. Here's a picture of me at age 32.

Follow me on twitter: www.twitter.com/flyspacequeen

True Life: Drinking and Driving on 295 North

2011-12-30T19:12:00.000-05:00

First off let me say I can't believe it's Dec 30, 2011 already. I haven't blogged as much this year as I had hoped, due to several issues. Either way, I want to end this year on a high note. I don't plan to make any resolutions and to be honest, I will probably not do a reflection blog. But I do want to share a hilarious story with you. A cautionary tale about why you shouldn't drink and drive on NYE's...

So a few years, my cousin Crystal (click her name and see her on twitter. she's a sexy model) and I decide to party it up in D.C. I am pretty sure we went to Love and we had a good time. We got quite drunk...not too drunk that I couldn't drive but just tipsy enough for me to recognize that one or two more drinks and it would be a wrap. So we decide to go back to Baltimore. We on 295 North. Halfway up 295 we realize that all the traffic is stopped. Now I'm pissed because I have to pee and I already had to take her home then go back to my house. We are sitting their kind of oblivious to what's going on.

10 minutes later, a black thug looking dude knocks on my window. Crystal is like don't open it! I'm like he can't kill us with ALL these people around. So I roll it down a little and he informs me that there is a DUI checkpoint up ahead. Immediately I'm kind of shook. It doesn't take much to get me drunk and while I'm not really drunk, I know I reek of liquor. He then says "Look, I'm too drunk to drive. I will give y'all some money if you drive me past the checkpoint and two stops up to meet my girlfriend." He flashes $20 (#sigh) and I am like oh the cops are up ahead, sure get in.

He gets in the back and proceeds to have the most gangsta conversation with someone. Talking about the club, his girl, hustling, all this mess. He mentions how he parked his car on the side of the highway and to send one of his "boys" to come pick it up. One who is clean. I am like OMG we are stupid. Crystal is drunk and half sleep. We pull up to the cops and you know how that goes. I am chewing HARD on a piece of gum.

Cop: "ma'am where are you coming from"
Me: "Love the Club"
Cop: "Have you been drinking?"
Me: "Ummm...one or two drinks. Nothing too serious."
Crystal: "Hey officer!!!!!" (at this point, his partner goes to her side and begins chatting it up with her. She's flirting so it's nothing"
Me: "I'm NOT drunk"
Cop: *flashes light in back, dude in back waves* Okay ma'am. Ya'll be safe.

And we pull off. Drop random dude off at the exit and keep it moving to Baltimore $20 richer.

That short event made me realize the magnitude of the situation. I had the fear of God put in me. There have been plenty of times when I have drank (drunk?/drinked?) and drove. Thankfully no one got hurt. Yes, there was that one time I hit that car on 33rd street BUT no one was in it and it was parked funny. Either way one thing I never want to do is go to jail. Since then, no drinking and driving. What really helps is not having a car.

Happy New Year's Everyone.

Party hard.
But Drink Responsibly.

Life in NYC: One Year Later

2011-10-03T13:13:00.001-04:00

I moved to NY on Saturday, Oct 2, 2010. Today marks my one year anniversary. Time flies. In that time, I have learned a lot and I have grown as a person; but at the same time, I'm still the same old Stephanie. You ever want something so bad that you don't think about anything else but that one thing. Your whole life becomes consumed with having it and you don't think of pros/cons of that situation?

Yep...that was me and New York.

I wanted to be here so bad it hurt. I felt the yearning to be here down deep in my soul. And it wasn't a "come to NY to make all my dreams come true" type thing...I just felt I NEEDED to be here and experience life here. And I am, and I did. And it has been an emotional roller coaster ever since.

When I got the job offer from NYU it felt like a blessing. That was my way out of Baltimore and onto bigger and better things. To say I am not sad about leaving Baltimore and Healthy Start would be a lie. I loved that job more than any other one I had (though I am sure I didn't show it) and since then I have been trying to find a way back into maternal and child health...I was just over my life in Maryland. The first half of 2010 was emotionally wrecking, I needed to get out.

Within a month of moving to NY, I wanted to leave. I was depressed beyond words. I don't think a day passed when I wasn't crying. This was not what I came here for. I couldn't explain how deep into despair I was nor did I want to...I was overcome with sadness. Thankfully, I know some dope ass people who invited me everywhere and kept me quiet busy with all day brunches and tea lounges. Maurice, Julius, Rain, and Jessica are such dope ass people and they don't know how much I appreciate being included in their outings, even if it was one day a week. It helped me to not be unhappy all of the time.
I won't recount the whole year but just to overview:

I lost the NYU job.
I got two new jobs that are dope.
I moved out of my first NYC apt and into a new place with two roommates. I really wanted to blog on this situation but I decided not to. That's how pissed I am about it. I will say this, in case my former roommate is reading: You had the upperhand because I was living in YOUR home. If that hadn't been the case, and if I wasn't worried about you blacking out and throwing my stuff out, things would have been handled differently. I, nor any of my friends, ever disrespected you. I am sorry you felt that I wasn't being "friendly" enough to you. But we had a business arrangement and even after several of your tantrums, I tried to remain civil to you. However, its' for the best. I am where I need to be and hopefully you will find happiness in your own fucked up life one day.
I lost a good friend (not my roommmate...lls).
I gained a dope ass friend (my nigga...who I'd name but people will make assumptions and let's just avoid that)
I spent New Year's Eve in Times Square (killing my bucket list)
I was on unemployment

I guess I could name more random things about my life. However, I won't. Suffice to say, NYC has been a learning experience. I can't say if I will stay here an additional year. I want to make this work but I am tired. Sometimes the juice ain't worth the squeeze. I am finally getting around to applying to get a DPH. I took the GREs and my scores are well above what is required. I can't say that I am mad about my life here...it's just not what I expected. It's been a mix of good and bad. I want it to all be good. My friend says it takes 2 or 3 years for someone to get the full experience of living here. I don't know if I can emotionally handle another year.

However, I am glad I moved here. There is nowhere else I'd rather be. God willing, next year when I make this thread, it will be 100 times better. That's if the world is not nearing the deadly 2012 apocalypse. And the zombies haven't taken over.

True Life: I went to see a psychic

2011-09-11T23:35:00.000-04:00

I have been in NY a little less than a year (my anniversary will be Oct 4, 2011) and in that time, I've been to Times Square a handful of times. This weekend my PNC, Pam, came to visit and we had a nice time. We went to a New York Fashion Week Show (Charlotte Ronson). It sucked. I mean, the show was good and we saw celebs and took pictures but Charlotte Ronson's Spring 2012 collection sucked terribly. I don't know how she got put on but whoever did that needs to be smacked. However, I will admit her make up line at Sephora is much better. MUCH BETTER.

Anyway, Sunday comes and Pam and I decide to be tourists. We are in Times Square and pass a man holding a sign for a $5 Palm Reading. How could we pass that up? I need to know my fortune, let's go. Now I'll admit, I have wanted to go to a psychic for a while but I've been scared of what they will say (I'll die young, I'll never have kids, I'll be a cat lady which is super scary because I am scared of cats....), so I have avoided it. And I like to fancy myself a psychic from time to time (though my premonitions are often times very negative so I don't like to play around with dark arts but that's for another blog); however, I can't tell my own future which is often the draw back to having a sixth sense if you believe in that sort of thing. ANYWAY DOE....

We go and I let the women read my palm first. And she was surprisingly very positive.

I will have a long life well past my 80s (my grandmas are both mid 80s)
I'm having difficulty in love with someone I care a lot about
I need to relax and enjoy love
She sees me more in an artistic career or doing something with my hands. Around Nov or Dec I will experience a career change (this was mentioned in Astrologyzone too...so hmmm...)
I am a very lucky person ("No I'm not lucky I'm blessed: Yes!)
Once I get married (to the person above perhaps) that it will be permanent, happy, and we won't get divorced

She said some other random things but these are the most important ones. All this for the low cost of $10. She had a $25 deal where she told your future in life and love, which I was really interested in after the palm reading. However, I didn't want to pay that much money. If she said $20, I would have easily dropped that money on the table. Pam was hesitant (I won't share her reading). Then when Pam got home all of a sudden it was "When I come back we should go back and do the reading".

I'm a believer. Not in this particular psychic but in the ability to read palms, see into the future, etc etc. The dark arts and occult things are a fascination of mine. People often look at me strange when I mention this because I am a Christian and it apparently goes "against the teachings of the Bible". I don't have time for all that type of debate. I just know she motivated me. She touched on a few things that was on my mind for the past couple of months and now I feel that some light has been shed on things. I don't believe in coincidences. I am sure some will say that there is a standard script they use, and while that may be true...I think they are good at honing in on what a particular person needs, which is the most important part. The fact that several things she stated I have been thinking about (career wise and in regards to love life) and the fact that she said things stated in my horoscope lead me to believe that those truly are the areas I need to address and stop ignoring and hoping they will become what I want them to be.

It was all very interesting.

Now I wonder if any of my blog followers have went to a psychic and if so, what did (s)he say and how accurate did you find them to be?

Author's Note: *mom don't answer, I already know yours*

True Life: My neighbors think I am being abused...

2011-08-01T21:39:00.000-04:00

I debated with myself for a few hours on whether or not I wanted to tell this story. Then I realized I haven't blogged in a while and without going in depth about my life and whats going on in it, I decided to just share this funny albeit sad anecdote.

Anyone who knows me knows that I bruise incredibly easy and I am quite careless with myself. I have a bad habit of rushing and not really paying attention to where I'm walking so I bump into things a lot. This leaves bruises all over my legs, and sometimes my arms. I also believe that the issues I have with my ear cause me not to be as balanced as I wish. Anyway I have this terrible ass black and purple bruise on my leg and when I am wearing shorts it's quite visible. *Note: This is not the actual bruise. But this is my leg and a bruise I got when I moved.

A male friend decides to hang out with me last night. Being the black people we are, we decide to go get some chicken from the local chicken spot. I put on shorts. Normally I'd wear pants but it's night time and I believe no one will really be in the spot. Plus its just a "small" bruise. As we are standing in the store we are joking around waiting on our 9 piece and fries. A couple walks in and she orders some mozzarella sticks and sits at the table. My friend has to make a call so he moves closer to the door, and I hear her yell out:

"Hey ma! You alright?"

Now I'm thinking she's talking to the older crackhead like lady who had stepped in the spot after them so I pay her no mind. But I look her way and she's like "Yeah you ma" and points to my leg. "Are you good? Are you okay"

And it hits me: She thinks my male friend did this. She is looking at him like he ain't shit. I glance at him because she is LOUD and I assume he hears her but he's wrapped up in his call. I look back at her and say "Oh I'm fine. I'm good" and she has that yeah ok look on her face. Now in my mind, she's loud because she wants him to hear her and say some shit so she can call her man and be like "OH HELL NO NIGGA! You might WHUP her ass but you ain't touching me!!!"

We get our food and walk out the store. I look at him and bust out laughing. I'm like "Did you hear her?" and of course he didn't. I retell him the story and he's like "Why didn't you say NO HE DIDN'T DO IT!" or something similar. In my mind, saying I was good was good enough. This story is NOT funny to him and he doesn't want to be looked at as Ike. But the good part, at least someone cared enough to ask.

In retrospect I am pretty sure they didn't believe me. Now I feel like anytime I see her or her man, they will look at me with sad eyes thinking I let this dude beat all over on me and leave bruises all up and down my leg.

What can you do?

Secret Life of the American Teen just got REAL

2011-06-13T12:55:00.000-04:00

Secret Life of the American Teenager is one of my favorite shows on ABC Family. I feel in love with it a few seasons ago and I have been watching ever since. I will admit, it's not a particularly "good" show but the show's writers try hard to show how open dialogue can go between a parent and child. While it's not ideal, it's' interesting. Plus it's from the makers of 7th Heaven, so you KNOW what that means.

Anyway the story line basically follows a girl named Amy who got pregnant at band camp. She decides to have the baby and gives birth to a healthy baby boy. Her and the father, Ricky, are not together but decide to work together and raise the child. Simple enough. Fast forward to last season when the Adrian (Ricky's ex) gets pregnant by Ben (Amy's ex)...are you still following along? These kids have a lot of sex. When Adrian becomes pregnant I am almost 100% sure that either it was a false positive or she'd have an abortion/miscarriage. Why? It just seemed odd for this show set in this nice upper middle class neighborhood to have two pregnant girls in school. Not impossible in real life...but strange for a television show. But neither happens and Adrian is pregnant with a little girl. Big and pregnant.

Then last Monday's show comes on. From the start, I'm nervous. Secret Life drags out a story line like no other show. And everyone is crying. My first thought: She lost the baby. And at the end, my fears are confirmed. Adrian's baby is stillborn. Everyone is shocked. No 'fiction' show has ever taken that route. But the fact is: that was the most realest thing the show could have ever shown.

Often times we see these shows with "happy" endings. Even the "reality" teen pregnancy shows (MTV's 16 and Pregnant being the main one) have yet to feature a situation like such as child loss. If there are issues with a teen's pregnancy, they aren't that real or that serious. Maybe the baby is born early or has some "minor" problems that can be easily fixed or solved in an hour episode. What about the girls/women who lose their babies due to miscarriage or a still birth? Let's check the facts:

The US ranks #28 in the world for infant mortality. (*infant mortality being defined as a the death/loss of child 1 years of age or younger)
Rates: 6.1 deaths per 1000 live births (average)
In African Americans, it's 14.1 deaths per 1000 live births (health disparity issue)
Hispanic women's rates are 8.3 per 1000 live births
There is no significant different in infant loss across younger mother age groups (under 18 and 18 to 25)

Adrian, the young lady who loses her baby, is Hispanic, middle class, and goes to the doctor from the start of her pregnancy. She has done everything "right" and yet she still suffers this lost at 17 years old. The last few minutes of the show are gut-wrenching as Sarah McLachlan's "Arms of an Angel" plays in the background. I cried. The last (and only) time I saw a show where someone lost a baby was "Run's House" and the after effects of that event were never shown. The next season, they adopt a new baby to replace the one they lost.

So what happens next on Secret Life? Who knows...but I am interested in seeing how they will handle the effects of this child loss tonight. These are children who had to become grown up sooner than any one hoped and now they are dealing with one of the most painful experiences in life. The lost of a child is a pain that no parent ever gets over. It is always there and there are always reminders of what could have been, and that yearning for that child you lost. And many women and men do not know how to handle that lost, especially at a young age.

I hope Secret Life shows the pain, and shows how once could begin to heal. Because there is never any real healing, but time will lessen the pain. I also hope they provide resources such as websites or phone numbers for other teenagers or young mothers to call if they are dealing with the same thing and never knew where to turn. I pray for everyone who has ever had to deal with this type of situation.

stats: Infant Mortality Rates

Dealing with Infant loss/Resources: March Of Dimes

True Life: Interracial Loving...

2011-05-30T10:56:00.000-04:00

First let me preface this by saying I have NEVER been a traditional "interracial" relationship and by that I mean, I have never dated anyone white. I have dated a Puerto Rican and a guy from the Phillipines. But that's the extent of me dating outside of my race. I stick to other "minorities". That being said, I have never experienced the stares or the hate that comes along with walking down the street with a white person beside me. I have heard stories from other women and men. My sister and her boyfriend (white!) even got into a fight with some strangers over their love. And of course I have rolled my eyes a time or two when I was younger when I have seen black and white couples. Not that I wanted that man, or that I cared but because it seemed to be the thing to do. In Richmond, mixed couples are just not that common at all. However once I moved to Columbia MD I was in for a culture shock. Everyone dated outside of their race and if you didn't, something was wrong with you. I progressed and seemingly, I thought the world had too...but I was wrong.

Let me tell you what happened to ME.

So the other day I am out with the typical brunch crew and we had just finished eating a wonderful Italian meal and were walking around enjoying a beautiful Brooklyn day. My boy Jules (he's white and funny) and I were walking ahead of everyone else talking. As we cross the street I notice two African American/black women sitting ice grilling us HARD as fuck. I mean they made no attempts to cover up their disdain for us and it tripped me up for a second. I immediately got defensive and put my arm around Jules as if he were my man and cuddled up close to him. Rain laughed. I looked back and could see the women still starring hard and rolling their eyes like "Look at this bitch all up on this ofay." Wait...they probably didn't say ofay. Probably white man. Of course the arm around Jules is the one with Malcolm X all up on it. Jules, all caught up in the convo, didn't even notice these chicks. He thought they were "eye fucking" him, and we were like NO they were starring hard like they wanted it with us. We were about to get jumped! (Not really...). How perfect for a lightskinned girl who is looking super Boho with a Malcolm X tattoo to be hanging on a white man dressed casual cool with a kangol on? I hope it killed them.

I'm telling this story because this is the FIRST time I've personally experienced any hate for walking around with someone of another race. Jules, of course, is always the token white in our group and he's use to it so I guess nothing phases him. But I was pissed that anyone would even look like they were going to question WHY I was with him. While we are just friends, if I was fucking him, it's no one's business. I can never understand why people are so wrapped up in other people's relationships. I just...#pause. I'm not doing a rant today. NOPE.

Suffice to say it was a learning experience. I thought Brooklyn as a whole was better than that...but that goes to show you that I can't assume because a place is so progressive that the people would be also.

Follow me on twitter: www.twitter.com/flyspacequeen

Update: Vision Board

2011-05-27T12:14:00.000-04:00

Okay last year in August, I posted a video about my Vision Board (see it here: Vision Board Post). People have been asking me updates and initially I was going to do a VLOG but I can't get it together so I'll just do a real quick break down of how things have been going! I hope this helps someone....

Inner Self: This is an ongoing process. I made a commitment to become more honest, put myself first but at the same time let more people into my life. I am still VERY weary of who I let into my inner circle. Unfortunately this has caused quite a few issues this past week or so, and I can't explain to anyone how I feel about things, so either you get it or you don't. But I have to look out for me, and I can't get any more honest than that.
Money: Again another on going process. I paid off a lot of debt in the past year. I also moved in the past year (from Baltimore to Brooklyn). Moving costs a lot of money! But this move was good because I got a better job and I make more money now, so I can save more. My credit report is still a work in process, but I have increased it by 100 points in the past year. How about that? Shout out to myfico.com and Credit Karma. I paid off half of my state debt. Shout out to MD.
School: Right now I am looking into schools for the fall of 2012. I have identified one that I really love. I took my GRE and I have identified topics that I want to use for my dissertation. Now the applying process begins.
Outer-Self: If vitamin water counts as water, then I drink water all day everyday. I still take a multi-vitamin. I eat better, I don't exercise as much as I should (or at all....) but I have gotten into meditation and that's awesome.
Relationships: The build is so serious. I have been connecting with a lot of great people lately and I am hoping to form better alliances/connections/etc with others.
Generalities: Again I moved so it's like...things changed. I did get a new place (of course). No car, I don't need one in NY. No passport still...Finish book? Almost done. ALMOST. But I did look into publishing it as an e-book. I have my reasons for this, and I think that if I can make that happen it will open the doors for other things. So hopefully by the end of the summer. And New Year's Eve in NYC happened.

So overall, I think the vision board was a great motivation tool even if I didn't fully complete everything. As the days, weeks, months go by, things change so I had to make adjustments to my life and to my vision for my future. I have currently making a new vision board, which will be a little more streamlined with the traditional view of a vision board and will include my hopes/goals for the rest of 2011 into 2012.

P.S. I love looking at other's visions boards...so let me know (here or on twitter) where I can view yours! We can work together.

P.P.S. Do better...is the movement.

True Life: Taking the Greyhound to see a man is stupid...

2011-04-24T18:39:00.000-04:00

So I am currently on the greyhound bus traveling from DC back to NYC and I decided to tell the story about my first trip to NYC ever in life.

I guess it was my first year of college and I was dating this older loser by the name of Prince (this is his REAL nickname, fuck that nigga...). Prince managed to trick me up because I was 18 at the time and he was almost 30 but told me he was 21 when I met him. Dude didn't look anyone's 21 but I was stupid. Prince is the reason for my disdain toward most Geminis. Anyway, Prince was from Queens and was as trifling as they come. But I was impressed by his fast talking and the way he kissed. Silly young girl chasing after a grown ass man. Stupid.

One Friday I was chilling with my homegirl Rasheida. Now I was in love with her. She was 20 and so cute and "in the know" about things. She was like the big sister I never had and I appreciated her trying to protect me from drama although her and I got caught up in the WORST situations ever in life. However, she saved my life one night so I am forever grateful for knowing her. Anyway, Prince calls from NY and says he's having a party and wants us to attend. This party is in NYC, and we are in Baltimore. Rasheida was from Queens and didn't mind taking that trip back home. I, on the other hand, had never been to NY and was worried about how this would work out. Prince was beyond unreliable and very selfish. He offered to pay for the bus but I wasn't with it. I resisted hard but less than an hour later, Ra and I found ourselves in the car with one of her friends going to NYC.

We get there around 9-ish and call Prince to let him know. We planned on taking showers at her house and then going to the club. We ask him where was the party and he replied that he was "unsure" but he'd call us right back and send a car for us. FAIL #1.

But we waited and waited. We walked to the corner store and got a couple of Mad Dog 20/20s and continued to wait, dressed in animal print pants and low cut black shirts. Around midnight we realized he wasn't calling us back and he wasnt going to answer our calls. We were pissed. He was even suppose to pay for our way back home on the bus. I didn't have ANY money to make this trip. I was pissed. FAIL #2

Fast forward to the next day, one of Ra's friends does us a solid and gives us the money for the bus. While at the station, Ra comes up with the brilliant idea to check Prince's cell phone and to change his voicemail to our voices. We tried various combinations until I realized it was his daughter's birthday. BINGO. We listen to his messages, which were full of various girls professing their love for him and asking him when would they see him again. I was pissed once again. FAIL #3. So in the middle of Port Authority, we changed his outgoing message to our voices, sounding as sexy as we could talking about how our "daddy Prince" was tied up and used every curse word we could. Terrible.

We hopped on the bus and when I got home, my room phone was full of messages from Prince. He wanted us to change the voicemail back. We had changed the password too and his dumb ass was too dumb to call the phone company and get it fixed. We listened to his messages and his daughter's mom was crying all over the phone. That is the day I learned that I was NOT his girlfriend...just some hoe in MD.

And to this day, everytime I see the Greyhound bus I get pissed.

Why I got the Malcolm X tattoo...

2011-04-11T09:50:00.000-04:00

A few days ago I posted a picture of my "new" Malcolm X tattoo on twitter. Despite the fact that I got this tattoo over a month ago, it got quite the response. (Perhaps it was the bra?!? Victoria Secret, demi cup, leopard and lace). I am now constantly being asked "What made you do that?" and I don't mind the question, but twitter is not enough room to explain so I'll just do a brief answer here. I can never fully explain to anyone my decisions because they are mine alone and no one will ever feel what I feel...but I will try my best. Bear with me.

So in Jan I was thinking of getting a new tattoo. I want a sleeve, but I had no ideas. The one thing Slim (my tattoo artist) constantly says is you have to have your own ideas about what you want. I didn't know what I wanted so I gave up on that idea. Then the Egyptian revolution popped off and I was engulfed in that whole movement. It was amazing to me to see people fight back for their freedom. I am of the idea that freedom in American is a farce. Regardless of race, Americans are not "free" and the American *negro* is even less free than their white counterparts. In respect to the whole world, our lives are wonderful however...it is all an illusion. But a great one at least.

Anyway...no politics just facts. In support of my Egyptian family I tweeted love/support/quotes. Most of my quotes came from Brother Malcolm. I love this man. I then decided that one of his quotes on freedom would be an excellent choice. However, the quote was quite long. While looking at Malcolm X tattoos on google, I came across the infamous picture of Brother Malcolm at the window with the gun. I had an epiphany.

I ran to Slim. Slim looked hesitant and then said fuck it. A week later, he blessed me. I loved it. I LOVE IT. And will be adding "By Any Means Necessary" later.

It's as simple (or maybe as complex) as that.

True Life: What does Taco Bell and sex have in common?

2011-04-07T13:52:00.000-04:00

True Life: New series dedicated to the many comedic experiences in my life. I have keep a journal of my wild and crazy life because I can't make this shit up. So I present to you the story of Taco Bell....

When I was a sophomore in college, I was dating this guy named Marco*. Marco was fine as hell with long pretty curly hair that I use to braid once a week. Well one summer day he comes over to my house in Ellicott City MD to get his hair hooked up. Now at my old house I had the whole basement to myself. It had sliding glass doors so people would come and go as they choose in my room. It was a dream for a sneaky teenager. Anyway somehow I get the idea that taking naked pictures of Marco on my couch would be awesome. I take the pictures, get them developed and hide them in my bathroom drawer along with some other random pictures, condoms, etc. No one uses my room so I think I'm good.

Wrong!!!

My stepdad uses my bathroom one day and decides to look for some reading material. What does he find? The pictures. He tells my mom and I get in trouble for taking pictures of some "naked nigga sitting on our furniture". The situation, while hilarious now, was embarrassing then. I warn Marco about the situation and he claims he will never come chill with me and my parents again.

Lies!!!

Two weeks later he's at my house getting his hair braided. But now we are in the living room. My stepdad comes downstairs and states he's going to Taco Bell, would we like anything.

Me: "ooh yeah! Get me 2 taco surpremes and a Pepsi"
Stepdad: "Cool. What kind of tacos...oh let me guess. YOU LIKE EM HARD!!!!"

And proceeds to bust out laughing. My mom spits her drink everywhere. Marco covers his face and my mouth drops. They laugh their happy asses out the door. I finish Marco's hair and he runs home stating he can never come by again.

From that point on...he only visited me in my dorm room.

Now anytime when someone wants hard tacos, I think of my stepdad (who was 34 at the time).

This can't be life.

*names changed to protect the innocent or something

5 Minute Blog: Don't Call It A Comeback...

2011-03-29T23:00:00.002-04:00

Call it a hot mess.
This blog is about The Game. Yes, the tv show "The Game".
Where to begin?

Initially when The Game was canceled I was pissed. The CW/UPN/whatever low budget station already screwed us (read: black people) over by canceling "Girlfriends" and there was no way in hell we were going to let them take one of the only other black shows on television. Now let me admit this...it was Girlfriend's time. It ran it's course, but I do believe they deserved a proper farewell which they didn't get. Joan deserved her wedding, Lynn deserved a record deal, Maya and Darnell deserved a baby, and Toni deserved to come back and show us how cute lil Morgan would have been. Alas, we didn't get that. Instead, the show got canceled. But I'm not bitter.

After hardcore promotion on all social networks, BET picked up the show. We already knew this would be a fail. BET with an original show that's NOT a reality show or 106 and Park. Yeah..no, this wasn't going to work, but we wanted it to...badly. So in January, months after it had been picked up by BET, the show premiers and what do you know...it sucked.

The show decides that since it's been two years since the show was on television, they will just start two years later. Then they decide that explanations aren't needed...we will just figure it out or we'll forget about what happened before. Where was Dionne? Where was Poochie? Who is this new Brit-Brat that is like 25 years old? Not only did they decide not to fill us in, they just started all new story lines.

Kelly became a reality show star, Tasha is still an athlete manager (what happened to managing music?!?), and Melanie became a bitch. As for the guys...they are still who they are, except Jason is retired or something, Malik is not the star or something, and Derwin is the star or something...I don't know what the hell is going on.

But I suffered through the whole season, cringing through 15 mins of the 17 min show (why are there so many commercials?). Then last week BET announces the season finale was the following week. What? There has been maybe 10 shows...but okay. However, tonight I watched and let me tell you: This was the best show of the season...but that's not saying much.

Like honestly...I am confused. Yes, they left cliff hangers but really...what is going on in this show? Why are most of the characters unlikable and why does it look so cheap? I just can't...and my 5 mins are up. Jesus, take the wheel and drive this show into a wall.

5 min: You Know What Dre? I don't like your attitude...

2011-03-14T13:03:00.000-04:00

Man listen. People are killing me. KILLING ME!!!
I hate dealing with others attitudes, that's why I stick to myself most of the time. I am careful in choosing who I associate with but unfortunately that's not always an option. Currently I am dealing with several people in my life who apparently think the world revolves around them and that they are above everyone and everything.

NEWS FLASH: You aren't.

I'm just going to list the things that get on my nerves and if it applies to you, so be it. Do better because that shit is horrible and I am not one to keep dealing with other people's personal problems:

Not speaking when I speak to you. You don't have to be rude bitch.
Replying to my emails asking me about some shit I said in the email. Read my emails bitch.
Asking me if I am mad or if I have a problem. If you have to ask, then usually I do. But you know what I'll say "No I'm good." If I say "good" then I'm not good. I'm pissed but I refuse to talk about it because it will cause more issues. You betta take the answer I give you and keep it moving tho. If I say "I'm fine" that means I really am fine. There is your Stevie lingo lesson for the day.
Using condescending tones in your voice. Several of the people around me are doing this and it's like: Who the fuck are you?!? My own MOMMA don't talk to me like that, so you betta fall back.
Telling me what I should do, what I need to do, what works best for "us"...listen, listen. I know what needs to be done. I'll ask you if I need help or if I am unsure.
Acting like my momma: I got a momma already. And a dad. You are neither.
Embarrassing Me: The quickest way for me to stop fucking with you is for you to embarrass me. I hate it when people don't know how to act. I hate it MORE when people don't know how to act in front of others OR try to stunt on me in front of others. Listen if I am fucking up, you can tell me in private.There is NOTHING I hate more than for someone to call me out in front of others. Because they are trying to up show you. And to be honest, I am better at that game so unless you want me to get real Southside Richmond, don't do it.

I digress.
A lot of things in my life are stressful now and having to deal with rude people on the regular is getting me down. And it's like a variety of people: women, men, young, old. I am like how did I end up with all this negativity around me? Jesus what did I do?!? I swear I will snap one of these days.

You people need to learn some decorum. Unfortunately the people who NEED to read this won't. And the ones who do read this are already cool as the other side of the pillow. I just need to vent.

Today is Feb 14th...

2011-02-14T16:25:00.000-05:00

Valentine's Day.
This is the first year I've been single for Valentine's Day since 2003. I'm somewhat of a serial dater. I can't be single for too long. However, these past months have been different. I've been searching for myself and trying to figure my life out. That doesn't mean I want to be single, it just means it's been necessary the past few months.

But moving forward, I decided earlier today to write a blog about being single and Valentine's Day. I was going to take the stance of the newly single woman, going out treating herself, kicking it with her girls...you know. Doing that Destiny Child's "Independent Women" shit. Then I said "Who am I kidding?" LOL.

I honestly wish I did have a Valentine. I want flowers, candy, and some type of fancy gift. I want to go out to dinner in a nice ass dress with some **** me heels on. I want to be courted. Why is that so difficult to find? Why can't I find an old fashion man who wants to pick me up at the door and take me out for a night on the town? I think I'm awesome enough. Whatever...

So okay that's what I was going to write on. But then in the midst of me getting my thoughts together tragedy struck. And someone I know lost his 8 year old son. I will be honest, his death was not unexpected. He had been suffering from embryonal rhabdomyosarcoma for years. It was now in stage 4. He was only given a few days or a few weeks to live. Despite knowing this, the death of a child is always hard. Especially on the parents. (no need to name names...if you know them, pray for strength. if not, still pray.) There was an outpouring of love to him from a variety of people, friends and "foes". Love. It is beautiful.

Suffice in that moment, Valentine's Day became unimportant. Ironically death reminds you to enjoy life. What seems like a big deal or so extra important is really quite minuscule once you look at the bigger picture. This is not about me but I cried, because I know the pain of losing a loved one to cancer, losing a child, and the struggle it is to stay strong when all you want to do is break down. The sad thing is that while we realize what's really important in moments like these, they tend to dissipate as time goes on. Then we end up at the exact same spot we are now until another one falls.

While there is so much more I want to say, I fail to find the right words to describe how I feel inside. Sad to hear of the passing of a child. Happy because I know we can come together. I think Scarface summed up everything in his verse...

Hip Hop Benefits don't include Health Insurance...

2011-02-01T17:18:00.000-05:00

By now everyone has heard about DJ Kool Herc and how he needs money for an operation for kidney stones (I believe). Twitter and many hip hop blogs have been buzzing requesting donations via Paypal to help pay for the operation Herc needs to get better. (DJ Premier's Blog Requesting Help: Paypal for Kool Herc). Because of this request for assistance, people have been speculating and criticizing the hip hop community and DJ Herc himself (for "poor" money management). I will not give any shine to those who aren't knowledgeable, I'll just tell you how I feel.

First off it's a disgrace to the hip hop community that Herc's sister even has to ASK anyone, let alone fans, for money to help pay for his bills. I blame the disintegration of the black community. Somewhere along the lines from slavery to present times, the black community has lost their way and there is no longer a strong sense of "community" and helping out one another. Today's attitude is more about "I got to get mine, you go and get yours." Gone are the days when we'd help one another willingly and happily. But this is not about that. Herc is one of the pioneers of the Hip Hop movement and culture. The moment "Hip Hop" found out he was sick was the moment they should have stepped up. I have seen a few tweets here and there from some artists but to be honest, most of the ones trying to get the word out are in a similar position. Just because you see these people on tv, hear them on the radio, or twitter (with thousands and thousands of followers) does NOT mean they are balling like that. The people who are in the best position to help (*looks at Jay Z, P Diddy, 50 Cent*) are too busy in their own lives to care. Some of these artists are on twitter all day talking about "bitches" but can't tweet one word of support or kind words but are quick to twitpic pictures of themselves throwing away money on strippers, clothes, or cars. #FAIL

Secondly, this is not about poor money management. Let's keep it real, rappers, DJs, and the like were not making bank in the late 70s/early 80s. I can't deal with anyone who thinks Herc could have saved his money for a rainy day and should have had his own money to pay for this. I don't think many people realize how the industry was back then and how it is now. MC Hammer was one of the FIRST rappers to make any real money off this culture. Before them, people were making enough to be happy and get a nice little house, maybe a car and a big ass gold chain. And to be honest, rich people go broke all the time over medical bills even when they have insurance. Don't ever get cancer people.

But I digress...let's get to the real issue. Health care and Health Insurance. This is NOT just about Kool Herc. The fact is, approximately 46 million Americans are without health insurance. Why? Because it costs too damn much money. Why are people acting shocked that Kool Herc doesn't have insurance? Where would he have gotten this insurance? Most people who have insurance got it through their job...and you know what "Hip Hop Benefits do NOT include health insurance." There is also no pension, no IRAs, no stocks and bonds, no tuition remission for their children, nothing. These entertainers are not getting any coverage from Aetna, Blue Cross/Blue Shield, or what have you. This is kind of ridiculous to me because it seems that the CEOs of these big music companies would provide something as simple as health insurance IN the contract to make sure their artists remain healthy so they can keep making money off of them. But I guess it's a better idea to pay them some random sum of money and let them get their own health insurance from whoever. So what's the other choice?

Oh yes, private insurance....which loves to rape people over and over. I got to be honest, if it wasn't for my job providing with insurance, I wouldn't have any. I got a quote for myself one time, it was around $300 a month. That's $3600 a year. As my eyes slowly become weaker and weaker, I find that my premium will begin to go up and up. Who has that money? Most people think like me and we'd rather try our luck and hope we don't become ill. Fucked up mentality but it's real. And yes I realize that "Prevention is cheaper than Treatment"...but the hope is that you never have to get treated.

So now the even BIGGER issue is not the industries disregard to health insurance and taking care of legends as they get older and older. It's about health care in America. Reform is needed. Say what you will about Obama Care, but it's better than the system we have now. For a country as advanced as America, we fall short of something as simple as health care. There is no reason why preventative care isn't available to everyone in the country at affordable costs. There is no reason why CHILDREN and SENIORS shouldn't be covered for the basics, such as health care, dental care, and vision care. There is no reason why a person who has is suffering in pain should be turned away from a hospital because they can not afford to pay. <<<Yes, private hospitals can still turn you away. And hospitals that will take you only have to do the minimal to keep you comfortable.

This is the real disgrace. A nation as strong and as powerful as America can not even provide the basics to it's citizens. The hip hop community can't provide what some rappers call "chump change" to a legend to get a basic kidney stone operation. So for now...let's hope the fans will continue to ride out for their heroes and keep donating via paypal until Kool Herc is better. I know I will.

Prince: Welcome to America

2011-01-19T11:36:00.001-05:00

Let me preface this blog by saying "I am IN LOVE with Prince." Period. Fact. End of Discussion. You can't ever tell me anything bad about him, I'll refuse to believe it. This man is a gift from God, respect him as such.
Okay now that I went all the way in with my crazy, let me tell you about the show!
First off, I went to two different shows. One on Dec. 29th and one last night, Jan 18 (my birthday #youcare). The Dec show had Mint Condition and Janelle Monae opening up for Prince.Last night's show was started with the lovely Sharon Jones and the Dapp Kings. Unfortunately for me, I missed them performing as I was waiting on the lovely but late Karen to make her arrival.

Let's just talk about last night's show. I was blessed by Madison Square Gardens Concerts to get free tickets to last night's show. The absolute perfect birthday present!

Prince showed OUT last night. When I tell you he went in, he went all the way in. I have seen him three times total and I will tell you that last night was the best performance I have ever seen him give, which is amazing because all of his shows are great! But last night he was radiating such a positive energy, he was funny, he was being especially musical (guitar solo after guitar solo), and just all around amazing. (Did I say amazing twice? yes, I did). Let me add: Maceo Parker was there performing as well. Do you KNOW who Maceo is? Please get familiar.

He starts off with a medley of his songs, and in the middle he stops and says "I have way too many hits." Truth. Someone was kind enough to twit pic his set list, so I don't have to go through all of the songs. I will say I was hoping to hear "Gingerbread Man" (a new song) and Little Red Corvette (he didn't play either this time). What I wasn't expecting was "Adore." Prince did a rousing rendition of "Insatiable" then goes smoothly into "Scandalous" and starts off "Adore". He then states "Oh, someone gonna get pregnant tonight!" If I had a man, that someone might have been me. Prince was wrong. People say he did four encores. I don't know if that's necessarily true considering the "encore" songs are all listed on the set list. During one of his encores, Sharon Jones and the Dapp Kings joined Prince to perform "Love Bizarre". He did one TRUE encore of songs not listed. I can't tell you how excited I was to see AJ (106 and Park), Jimmy Fallon, Quest, and Mos Def up on stage when he did "Baby I'm a Star". Ya'll know how I feel about Dante.

Let's get serious. Prince is the epitome of what an entertainer should be. He arrives on time, he gives his heart and soul, and he loves what he's doing. He sings, dances, and plays his own music? People like him are who the (music) "game" is missing. I hear people complain about his concert prices (ranging from $20 to $750). People who complain have never seen him live or they would know he's worth every penny he's charging plus more. Prince is a true professional. Some of you youngsters take note (I'm talking to you Lauryn Hill).

Like I said on twitter last night while I was on a love high watching him sing "Purple Rain" so effortlessly:

Follow me on twitter: http://twitter.com/flyspacequeen

P.S. I will be at the Feb 7 show once again. Falling in love with this man all over.

P.P.S. I almost forgot about Prince being a Jehovah Witness until he said he needs a woman to cook, but not soul food...and not shellfish. He said he doesn't eat shellfish because the Bible told him so.

Look At This Bitch Over Here Trying To Act Like Me...

2011-01-06T14:02:00.000-05:00

Lawd Lawd Lawd. (5 minute blog...starting now!)

Okay so earlier today I read a piece written by "Da Writer" about Women and Respect, simply called "Women Don't Get Respect because They Don't Respect Each Other" (please click on link and read for yourself). The title basically sums up the article. You don't have to guess what he's going to say...it's quite clear. No Snark.

His first premise is "how can you complain about the way men treat you when you treat each other ten times worse?" followed by "no offense." Should we/I take offense? I don't know. I am slightly offended because what does one thing have to do with another. A lot apparently. Let's discuss this real quick.

First off, he's absolutely right...women are disgustingly mean to other women. Why? I say 90% of the time, it's over a man. It's probably higher but I don't believe any exact studies have been done in regards to this phenomenon. Women HATE each other. (FYI...we are speaking generalities, not totalities). There is nothing I hate more than a woman who says "I can't be friends with another woman..." or "Women are too much trouble..." I can't stand it. I am actually the opposite. I wish I had MORE female friends to build and bond with. Don't get me wrong, my best friends are my girls for life. They are my family. But sometimes I want to do stuff and I don't know another woman I can call to kick it with me. It's hard for a grown woman to make friends...and why?

Because of this "I can't be friends with other women" mentality.

I don't know where this comes from. And you know what's sad, I only hear this in the black community. Now don't get me wrong, I am sure other races have their issues too but really it's always my beautiful black women talking about how they hate other women. Perhaps its because of the lack of quality black men in our community? There is some type of competition for the men left, and if you and I are friends...then you might get the man meant for me?

I don't understand. And to go back to his original topic, I can see why men will say and do anything they want to women. We do it to each other. We say "This bitch..." "That hoe..." etc...so why should my jaw drop when I am called "A bitch" (by the way it does...call me a bitch and I'll probably call your mom a bitch just to make you mad). Respect has to be earned.

The phrase "you can't expect others to respect you unless you respect yourself" is most fitting in this situation. Black women (or any women for that matter) can not expect men to respect of us if we can't respect each other.

We Need A Resolution...

2010-12-31T10:49:00.000-05:00

I can't believe 2010 is over. Where does the time go?
It seems like it was just 2008...and now it's about to be 2011. God save us.
Anyway...you know what that means...it's time for Resolutions.

For the past week, all of the social sites I frequent are being run over with "My 2011 Resolution", everyone is talking about what they are going to do and change for the new year. And I am so over it.

Earlier this week I was contemplating my own resolutions and I found myself listing the same things I have listed for the past 4 years (money resolutions, eat better, spend time with friends, finish writing...I GOT TO WRITE!) and it's like...this doesn't make any sense. When I resolve to do something one year, I feel like I shouldn't still have to work on it the next year unless it's a long term goal (i.e. graduate from a doctoral program!). I can't keep doing this to myself. I am starting to feel like a failure.

Enough of this talk! It's time for action. There are several things I NEED to do...there are several things I WANT to do...but I am not going to list them and say "This year I'll do it". I'm just going to do it. I hate resolutions...because if you want to change your life, you will change it...you won't wait for the new year. You'll just go for it.

I am going to let life come as it may and just work on becoming a better person in general. This is not a resolution, this is me changing my life. I do resolve to do one thing. My friend and I had a discussion a while ago, and then recently another one. He said I always tell people I hate them. I told him I do it out of love...I only say that to those I love. More discussion is realized, I send mixed signals, I shouldn't spread hate...spread love.

So from now on...no more "I hate you"s to my friends, family, the people I love...I'll replace that hate with love. "I love you". I love all of you! You guys are awesome...you are my rock...you are my heart. I can't make it without all the people who support me. I will never tell you I hate you again...even though I mean it in the most loving way.

Let's Party...

Happy Holidays!!!!

2010-12-23T14:53:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it's Christmas.
I've been in NYC for almost three whole months. It's so unbelievable. And this has been like the best and worst three months of my 2010 life. It started really high, then dropped really low...and now it's like even. I am just coasting along. I'm trying to make it in this concrete jungle!

I look at my Celibacy blog and think "Oh I was MAD when I wrote that mess..." because you know I was. Not to say I've been getting it in, because I haven't. But let's be honest...if I meet the right man...celibacy won't last that long. However, I will be more picky about my dealings, which is the most important lesson.

Anyway...it's Christmas!!!!! I just want to wish my readers a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Festivus, Happy Kwanza...whatever you celebrate! I hope you have a beautiful holiday. I love that you guys liked my blog enough to follow it...and to read and to comment. It means a lot to me when people tell me how much they like my blog or how something I said meant something to them...etc etc.

I write to stay sane. Thank you for helping me not go crazy.

Love Lockdown: The Celibacy Blog

2010-12-06T11:14:00.002-05:00

I am so tired of sex. I am so over it, I can't even find the words to express my disdain for casual encounters. This is not to say I'm having all types of wild sex every day of my life. I am not. Matter of fact, I haven't had sex in approximately 6 weeks...maybe even longer but I am not inclined to break out my calendar and figure out the exact day and time my last physical penetrative encounter occurred. I just know it was in October.

Anyway...let me stop sounding like a prude. Sex is actually quite awesome with the right person. I am a choosy lover...I don't have random encounters of the third kind. I sleep with people I actually like and want a relationship with...that sounds odd huh? Yeah I am different. Despite my musings on here, twitter, and random other social networking sites, I am not some insatiable woman who can not be pleased.

Sex for me is the next level of a relationship; it adds to our understanding of each other and it's almost spiritual in a way. Not some "oh I see God" type of way but in a "man and woman were created for each other" type of way (with all due respect to gays and lesbians, but being that I am straight, I'll write a straight blog). Nothing pleases me more than physically building with a man who I already enjoy on a platonic, non physical level. Casual sex means nothing to me and most of the time I am left with regret. I find myself "I don't even like this guy like this, so why bother?"

Yes why bother? These past two weeks some males have been attempting to get my attention. I have been very standoffish and unresponsive. I almost cried a few weeks ago when a good friend spent the night (to make sure I was okay) and decided at 2 am that we should have sex. I said no but he kept forcing the issue, pulling on my clothes, and it seemed like a date rape situation was about to go down. He finally got the point and left. Another male (or two) have been sending me texts and BBM's spouting how they would like to be invited over for some wild good times in my small ass room on my air mattress. No thank you.

The fact that these men are so focused on sex with me is a turn off. I am not saying this to brag. I am saying this because obviously men are confused about women. FACT: Women can get sex anytime they want to. I can sleep with any man I want if I put my mind to it. It's not hard (for me at least...I don't know about you other women...). So the fact that sex is what you are offering me like it's a prize makes you really seem somewhat desperate. The prize is not me having sex with you. It's you having sex with me. I love hard. Why should just any old man get that?

With that said, I'm over it. My love is on lockdown. The next person I have sex with should be my next husband. I'm tired of wasting my loving on fleeting romances and undeserving men. You want this...you gonna have to put in work. I won't lie tho...there is someone who has my attention. And to them I'll say this...

5 Minute Blogs: Computer Love

2010-11-30T15:19:00.001-05:00

Zapp and Roger were ahead of their time. This song was released in 1985. 1985!!!! You know what else came out in 1985? The movie "Weird Science". Now what baffles me is this use of the internet to meet women in 1985. I had no clue what a computer was until I was like 16 years old. I mean I saw computers, but I didn't know what "internet" was until what...1998 when I went to college. And I lost my mind.

The first thing I discovered that I could do on the computer was play spades. I wasted many days and nights playing epic spades battles on Yahoo! I became a fan of "double blind" suicide games. If you don't know, suicide is when someone on each hand goes "nil". Double blind means you bid nil without even seeing your hand. This was serious business on Yahoo! I mean games could go on for hours especially once they introduced ladders and rankings. Lord...I loved it.

Now serious business is finding love on the internet. It baffles me how popular dating websites have become in the past few years. When I listen to "Computer Love" I am like hol up...how were they talking and dating back then? There were webcams in the 1980s? E-Harmony? I mean how did this work? I am now convinced Zapp and Roger went to the future (which is now) and sent the song back to past (1985). How else could they accurately describe and convey how many people feel now? I sometimes find myself seeing a fly ass guy on the internet and I start humming "I want to love you baby".

But I am a punk. I am not going to holla at anyone on the computer. I feel like that's my last resort. All these people I know personally, I can't connect with one of them and fall in love? Apparently not. But I'll be damned if I spend money on the computer to meet someone. (Shout out to Branden: You my computer love tho...Let me upgrade you).

Never Stop, Never Giving Up...

2010-11-11T10:07:00.000-05:00

Earlier this week I tweeted "Seriously, living is the hardest thing I've ever had to do". This was met with various replies, inboxes, and text messages. Apparently this statement is very depressing. Subsequent to this statement, I talked to a few friends and I repeated this statement to one in particular.

He says "What is hard about life?"

I say "Everything. Life is not easy." Because to me it's not. It never has been. I never woke up and thought "Wow, life is so easy and grand! This is so awesome." He proceeds to make some type of analogy to a single cell germ and I can't.com but somehow the friction that is our converstation leaves me fulfilled enough to know that while we don't see eye to eye, we can somehow inspire each other.

Most of the time I wake up feeling the struggle. Life is a struggle. I have said this forever. Or maybe I should say this: My life is a struggle. I am not trying to make it harder than it is...I just have accepted the fact that if I want to win, I do have to "Go Hard or Go Home" all the time. I pride myself in going through what I've been through and still being alive. A weaker person would have killed theirselves by now.

Despite my somewhat bleek outlook on life...I love it more than anything. It's a blessing to wake up. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my life. I worked hard for what I have. And I will continue to work hard. I am a realist. My life is not a fairy tale...and I dont' know the ending.

suffice to say...all I can do is continue to pray for the best and work my ass off until my destiny is fulfilled.

Author's Note: Yeah this is a love song. But it's a feel good song. When I feel down, this is what I play.

Movies You Should See: "For Colored Girls...

2010-11-07T21:18:00.000-05:00

Who Considered Suicide When Is Enuf"

When I first heard about this movie, I was excited! I am not one of those people who dislike Tyler Perry. I think the man is extra as hell and does 10 times too much in many of his movies, but there are a few films by him that I thoroughly enjoyed. Those films just happen to be the non-Medea films (except "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" which I liked a lot despite the wife's need to get back at a cripple man). For Colored Girls is a non-Medea film, I was sure I would enjoy it.

For those who haven't read the book (a collection of 20 poems) or seen the play, For Colored Girls gives poetic insight on the lives of several different women of color. The women, from various places across the US, are represented by the colors of the rainbow, except one (the lady in brown) and throughout the play they are telling their individual story through poetic prose.

I think Tyler Perry did an excellent job sticking to the essence of the book. Of course, he added his own touch and switched up the story line to make it relevant for today (to get writer's credit too of course). The story is set in Harlem, present day with Phylicia Rashad playing the apartment manager who is watching the story unravel. Perry chose the right people and the right poems for this play. One has to thank God that Mariah Carey dropped out and Thandi filled in. She was perfect in the role of the "Lady in Orange". She exuded a sensuality and cool attitude that Mariah could not pull off.

Somewhat of a new comer, Tessa Thompson was excellent as the "Lady in Purple". I found her recitation of "Graduation Night" to be one of the best I have ever seen. The background setting, Tessa talking to her dance classmates, was perfect and her delivery of the poem was so seamless and smooth, I didn't even feel like she was saying a poem. She was spinning a magnificent tell. Journee Smollett originally had this role and while I love Journee, I am so glad Tessa had a chance to make this role hers.

The remainder of the cast did what they always do. Loretta (Green) always plays the woman longing for a man, but I love her rendition of "Somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff". Janet Jackson (Red) is not a great actress to me, and her monologue did not move me. She cries out of one eye only. I couldn't get past it. Kerry Washington (Blue) did not get enough shine. I wish there was more she could have done. Her story was incomplete. Anika Rose (Yellow) was beautiful; and I must give props to Perry for writing a completely original monologue for her to perform in the hospital. It was also a highlight. Whoopi's character (White) was written for the movie. I didn't understand why she was necessary. Less Whoopi more Kerry please. And to end with, Kimberly Elise (Brown) who manages to always play the woman with the fucked up life. She owns those types of roles so I can't hate.

One surprise was Macy Gray. I loved her as the abortion "doctor". I felt that she owned those 5 minutes she was on the film and brought a lot of emotion to the scene at hand. Perry also knows how to pick a delicious man to play a role! Michael Ealy...outstanding and scary. Khalil Kain...outstanding and scary too. I must give thanks for Michael Cory Davis! He's the man with the cut body and locs who gets out of the bed at the beginning. I know there is a God because men like him exist.

Overall...I loved the movie. There was some concern that Perry couldn't do this film justice because he is a man. I disagree. I think he made the play relevant for today's times and did the best that could have been done given that this is a book of poetry he had to make into a play. The only thing I really disliked: Thandi and Whoopi's simultaneous monologues.

I have to say 4 out of 5.

Rock the Vote? No Thank You...

2010-11-02T09:52:00.002-04:00

I'm not voting today.

Go ahead and judge me. It doesn't bother me at all, because regardless of what anyone says..."I'm NOT voting today." For what? Yes, I am one of those people who thinks my vote doesn't count...because in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't. First off...let's be clear: I AM a registered voter (in Maryland). I registered to vote the moment I turned 18. I was so happy, so proud. I know my ancestors are proud. Blacks (and women) fought long and hard for the right to vote. I am not naive nor ignorant to the plight of my people. I am also affliated with the democratic party, and I vote partisan. For those of you who are not up on American Government 101 that means I vote the democratic ticket ALL THE TIME. I see "Dem" and I just vote. Why? Because I am 78% confident that my views are more linked to that of a democrat than a republican, or any other random party listed on the ballot. Because of this line of thinking, voting for me is often unnecessary.

Maryland just happens to be a "blue" state, which means I don't really need to vote. I am sure Martin O'Malley will be just fine. Then again, people are wild angry with him so who knows? *pause* Okay okay...so what are you saying...I should vote because of the different referendum and proposals, etc that are placed on the ballot. Now this is true...and that's the part I feel bad about. However the biggest issue in MD is "Where should we put the slots?" and quite frankly, I don't care where they go. I don't live close to either place and probably won't ever go play those slots. What else? I don't know...that's all they talk about here. SLOTS, SLOTS, SLOTS.

Let me be honest...I am just jaded. No candidates move me, they haven't in a long time. Barack Obama did an excellent job riling up the public and now everyone who was so in love with this man take every opportunity they can to hate on him. My issue is change is NOT just about voting. It's about action. What good is your vote if you dont' go out there and become the change you want to see?

People go vote and then a few months later they are on twitter, facebook, or some message board complaining how everything is still the same or getting worse. What are you doing? Besides posting all day? Nothing. I don't vote because I don't see change. I don't see change because people aren't united. I can't expect the person I vote for to make MY life better, and that's what people want. They can't make our lives better...the only way for America to get better is through Revolution.

But ya'll aren't ready for a Revolution. Most people are comfortable with going into a room, filling in some bubbles, putting their "future" in someone else's hands and then going on about their lives. I am not that person. My life will be the same no matter who I vote for. Next year, or the year after we will be riling up again on some "if you don't vote, nothing will change" type steez.

I am over it. If you want real change, then let's start a revolution. Let's overthrow this mockery of a government and put the power back in the hands of the people. But ya'll don't want that. Suffice to say, while quite a few of my followers go out and rock the vote today, I'll be at work...or twitter.

Social Sites:This is for the Stalker In You...

2010-10-26T10:17:00.001-04:00

Let me tell you something. I love twitter. I mean I LOVE TWITTER! Out of all the social networks out there, twitter by far is my favorite, because it's like a gchat conversation with the whole world. Or an ongoing forum board. If you dislike twitter it's because of the following:

You have loser friends who don't tweet cool shit.
You follow 500 people and only have 5 followers.
You are over the age of 40.
You are a drug dealer or other type of street criminal.
You dislike all social networks.

Recently I fell in love with Foursquare. I truly feel like I am the person the developers of Foursquare had in mind when they made this application. There is something gratifying about checking in at random places to get imaginary badges that I can only see from my phone or foursquare page. I like being number one on the points list...but only the honest way. I hate it when people check in every 5 minutes. It's like "Damn this is just a game." I like Foursquare so much, I have came up with new badges in my mind AND a great idea for a contests that would require users to actually become patrons of certain establishments in order to win and progress in the game. The grand prize...well I won't say because you bastards won't steal my ideas! That's how much I love Foursquare.

The drawback? STALKERS! Now I have to admit, I have quite a few "stalkers" on twitter. For some reason at least once a week someone is telling me something that someone told them I tweeted yesterday, or last week or better yet...two months ago. *side eye* Where they do that at? There is also one person who replies to every tweet I make. My roommate thinks he's slow...so he gets a pass. If you are reading this...and you aren't slow, I'm sorry. Foursquare allows my stalkers to know where I am at any given moment if I decide to "check in". I feel a certain way about this so I never check in near where I live, and I always check in when I am leaving places. Unless it's a venue for a concert. Then I check in at that moment because I am 90% confident that I am safe in a room with 200 other people.

Then again...we did see Scream 2 or 3...which ever one had Jada Pinkett getting stabbed up in front of a movie theater full of people. I hope I don't get stabbed up in a room full of people because my ass is checking in at "BB Kings w/50 other people" just so I can unlock the swarm badge.

Follow me on twitter bitches: www.twitter.com/lovelyone80

Adventures in Brooklyn: Hail Storms

2010-10-11T20:55:00.000-04:00

Week 1...and this is what happens:

Just Like You...

2010-10-07T19:05:00.001-04:00

I get lonely too.

The view from my new place:

Moving is hard as hell. I don't think I was ever going to be ready for this move.

It's been less than a week and I miss my old place with a passion.

I haven't cried yet tho.

P.S. Props to Drake for the remake. I still prefer the original version.  Download it here: Drake "I get lonely too"

Breakway...

2010-09-27T10:50:00.000-04:00

Someone at my old job said that moving is one of the most stressful life experiences a person can have. At first I didn't fully comprehend that statement and now...I am engulfed in it. My last major move was 15 years ago when my mother decided to move my sister and I to Maryland. I was so upset at that move, and could not understand why my mother wouldn't just let me stay with my grandma in Virginia with my family and friends. Now, at *censored* years old, I can see how beneficial that move was for me. Starting new and fresh is sometimes necessary in order to grow and become the person we are meant to be.

On Friday I will be making another major move and I'll admit to everyone, I am scared and nervous. And because of that, I can not begin to pack. I have tried to start but each time I get overwhelmed, frustrated and disgusted. My apartment is a mess from me running the streets the past month, it looks like I am a hoarder in the making. I won't be living alone for at least the first 3 months of my move...which means I can't bring everything. Not that I want to. My mind keeps flip flopping between packing up everything and putting it in storage or just giving everything away and starting new. How do people figure this out? I have to be honest, the furniture in my house is valued at less than $500. So it's not like I am losing anything by giving it away (perhaps selling it...). But I mean, starting from nothing seems a bit too hard.

I have my current apartment until the end of October, which kind of upsets me but at the same time might be helpful. I actually moved into this apartment with nothing and was given my tv from a good friend named Kiron. I should probably ask him if he wants his tv back despite the fact it's broken. Hmmm....I want a new mattress so I should just throw mine out. Perhaps I should upload all my cds and sell them to the CD Depot? I mean there is so much to decide.

I put in my two weeks at my job. They told me not to come back last week on Thursday. At first I was pissed, that messes up my checks and pay. I had it all planned out and was hoping to bank that vacation check for my trip to Africa. However, they decided to put me on vacation for my last two weeks. Is that even legal? Some people told me to fight it...I said fuck it. I'll keep it moving.

So this is where I am right now...Trying to pack for a move in 4 (or 5 days). This is extremely hard, and I am so stressed, I can't even figure out how to begin. Pray for me ya'll. The next time I blog, it will probably be my introduction to my "new" life and that will probably be the direction the blog takes. We will see...

5 Minute Blog: "Make It Happen"

2010-09-01T16:11:00.000-04:00

I love 5 minute blogs! I wish this was my blog's theme. Maybe next time right?

Anyway earlier today I was writing a "review" for my book blog and I am kind of mad at myself. 100 books in one year and I am at 21. I have read a lot of books this year, way more than 21 but I have been slacking on writing my reviews. Either way quoting the crystal merchant from "The Alchemist" struck me hard again.

The crystal merchant says: "I am afraid that if I realize my dream I will have nothing left to live for."

I read this in July. And I had an epiphany. Have I been sabotaging myself because I was scared to fulfill my own dreams and desires? Perhaps. It's very easy to blame others for your failure or misfortune. Countless times we say "oh I shouldn't have listened to (loser)" or "well if I leave my job they will be short" or something or another. Whatever we say to justify why we choose NOT to move forward with our lives.

I have to give props to those who identify their dreams and go after them no holds bar. I wish I had that strength. I have set countless goals for myself and a majority of the time I am successful. Only when I flake out do I fail. FACT: I can have anything I want to have and I can do anything I want to do.

95% of the time, I get what I want 100% of the time!
Anyway moving forward, I have a lot of big things coming up. I haven't spoken on them publicly because I like things to be finalized and perfect before I do. I don't want anyone to see me fail. That is my own issue. When you think of Stephanie I want you to think of a winner.Cause that's what the fuck I am. DO BETTER.

The Vision Board: 2010 (VLOG)

2010-08-15T18:35:00.000-04:00

Okay so I am finally uploading this. Keep in mind this was recorded late June 2010 (maybe early July?!?!) so things have changed a bit since then. More goals have been met, some have been changed (for the better). The video is like 6 minutes long. Sorry. I know most people on the internet have short attention spans and anything over 3 minutes is an issue. But okay...

Kanye West and White People don't mix...

2010-08-05T21:13:00.000-04:00

Kanye West is on twitter. Awesome.

I chose not to follow Kanye because half the people I already follow will retweet anything this dude says...no hate, but I don't need to see but so much of Kanye. Plus he has too much confidence. I don't like it. And he might be the devil...so that's an issue too (#vexed). Anywho...Kanye who often time claims to be "original" pulls a Conan O'Brien and follows one person. This person is a kid named "Steven Holmes" and he's from Coventry...ole harry potter type place.
The moment Kanye follows this dude, he is inundated with comments and follows. He started with 68 followers, and is around 6550 now. The comments vary from nice like "Damn dude!" to rude and hateful "why the fuck is Kanye following this ugly ass nukka" (these are ACTUAL comments @ the dude). I am amazed...this is the most entertaining shit I have seen in a while. Kanye is your "god" and you are acting like pissed off angels because he chose a human over you. (How many will get this analogy?!?) So what Kanye chose a random person? Who cares? And what is with this begging and pleading for Kanye to follow you instead because you are cooler?

If you were "cooler" you wouldn't be begging celebs to follow you on twitter...
But I digress...the story gets more interesting. Unlike luckybuttons (O'Brien's chosen one)...Steven is in NO way interested being famous. He does not find this awesome at all. All this attention gets to be so much, he deletes his avy and stops tweeting...but doesn't delete his twitter (which I guess is too much like right...). It sucks for him. But with great "power" comes great problems. Kanye ruined this kid's life.

So the lesson learned...Kanye and white people don't mix. Anytime Kanye does something and a white person is involved...expect a problem. Maybe this is his intent. Maybe he wants to ruin white folks because "George Bush doesn't care about black people" or maybe it's because Taylor Swift won over Beyonce. At any rate...this dude has to deal with ignorant ass people every day because of Kanye West.

That sucks. Kanye West is right "No one man should have that much power!"

Hey Life...What's Good?!?

2010-08-01T21:04:00.001-04:00

I changed my blog title. I had to for several reasons:

I wanted to .com and I couldn't get www.thebeautifulstruggle.com
Sistertoldja has a blog called "The Beautiful Struggler" and I felt a certain way. Not a negative way...more like a "i don't want to be accused of biting in any way" despite the fact that I made my blog before I knew who she was. But I met her in BK a few weeks ago and she was super nice. And beautiful.
I just felt like a change. Plus this is my jam.

Anywho...so the blog name has changed. The blog layout will change when I find someone who can do what I want. I haven't been looking so I confined to using the templates on here until I do. I don't mind paying for a dope layout but I need to get it together in my mind first.

For those who have asked, I don't know the status of "Generally Speaking" right now. As many of you know, Smif N Wessun is currently in the studio with Pete Rock working on their album for the fall. Also they are some traveling brothers. That feature was never meant to be permanent though. And the General can't even keep up his own blog. Either way, it was dope! And I love him for that.

My vision board is done...and I keep meaning to post it but I am so busy working on those goals. I actually made a video about it...but I need to check it out before I post it. That might take me some time.

And finally I am about to start studying for the GRE since I am planning on taking it in September. I am not worried though. The math should be a breeze, I am a beast in math. The essay is nothing either. I murder written essays. The verbal part...hmmm...but I am not worried one bit. I am becoming a black girl with a Dr PhD.

The summer has been awesome...shout out to my college besties:

Friends will let you down....

2010-07-25T07:42:00.001-04:00

I must be the most horrible friend of a lifetime...that's the only reason I can think of why my so called "friends" do me the way they do. I try to be the best friend I can but people aren't perfect and despite my faults, I am an incredibly loyal friend and will fight to the death for my friends...well argue to death. Whatever.

Okay so check it, I won't go into specific details but I had a lot of business to take care of this past week. Now my time is very limited, but if I can make time, I assume others will. That's not the case. I need to stop assuming. But that's not even my issue...as I am out and about I get my first flat tire ever! OMG. It's hot, I am frustrated, I KNOW how to change a tire but I have never driven a PT Cruiser before and I am so confused as to where the spare actually is and how to get it unlatched. I end up calling roadside and I am pissed. I call two of my besties, Joana and Karen, and they talk to me for a while as I bitch and complain about the tire, the "situation" that caused me to get the flat tire, the other bestie who wasn't answering their phone ("I ain't mad atcha" (c) Tupac), and the fact that I was so fed up all I wanted to do was go to bed.

Out of my anger, I call one bestie and say "You know what, you could at least send me a text message if you can't hang out with me" which I meant but said in the absolute worse way. So now I am thinking I might have to apologize. I call my (male) bestie and he doesn't answer, so I leave a message and I am whining (which I just realize I do a lot so I am pissed at myself). He calls back. He says "What were you saying? what's up with this flat tire?" (now this fool is in MD so I am thinking that he's going to be more understanding/helpful). I say "OMG yes I got a flat and let me tell you..."

"Don't you have another friend you can call about this? Why do you have to call me and tell me about your troubles..."

*pause* I swear to God, tears fell from my eyes at that very moment. I called him because I consider him a best friend. That's the key. I consider him MY best friend...this relationship is apparently not reciprocal. I was absolutely at a lost for words...I mean who does that? I actually start stuttering like "Yeah well...my bad..."

"Yeah it's your bad. I am on the computer with (chick) from Canada so I got to go," and he hangs up. Then it hit me. He was showing out for some chick. Some CANADIAN chick at that via Skype. I was then heated. Yo if you didn't want to hear my bullshit, then why the fuck would you call back? This had me pissed at everyone.

Everyone. But it's understood now. Dude said what he said, and now I realize that just because we've been friends since 2000 doesn't mean shit to anyone but me. And just because I go out of my way for him doesn't mean he can even bother to listen to me for like 10 minutes. And then my other friend wonders why I don't bother with details. They are worthless. When I try to talk about shit and how I feel, this is what happens. So I have come to the conclusion that I must be a fucked up friend if I can't even get the people who claim to care about me to talk for like 5 minutes.

I got you.

5 Minute Blog: "Signs of Love Making..."

2010-07-13T19:52:00.001-04:00

"I'm a Capricorn, I came here to get managed..."

We all know Capricorn is the best sign because we are the smartest, most organized, and we start and end the year. But you know I read all these magazines and they do this "sexual compatibility" thing with astrological signs and it's never really right for me. Like earth signs go with earth signs...fire with fire. Yeah...no. However, I will admit that certain signs are like the BESTEST to me. If I meet a guy with a certain sign, I know of the bat what type of lover he may or may not be. So I am break it down...sign by sign.

Capricorns: I only slept with one. He was pretty straight forward, and cut to the case. I think that's how I am most of the time. Don't get it twisted...Capricorns strive for perfection...so they will do their best if they are feeling you but if we perfect something, we stick to it.
Aquarius: I only slept with one again. He was...interesting. Slightly selfish. I once told him that I read in Cosmo that if you stick your finger in a guy's ass, it heightens their orgasm. He said "cool, let's try it." So take what you want from that.
Pisces: I don't think I know any male Pisces. Lucky you.
Aries: My high school Maryland sweetheart was a Aries. Rough and aggressive. That is all.
Taurus: My high school VA sweetheart was a Taurus. They are teachers. Very knowledgeable and they take their time. Love them.
Gemini: That old man I use to date in college was a Gemini. I was not impressed. Just because you are packing doesn't mean you don't' have to have skills. And I hate how Geminis have split personalities.
Cancer: Cancers are love bugs! They act like they aren't but they like being romantical and taking time and doing things "at the right time" even if they are guys. I respect that.
Leos: LEOS DRIVE ME CRAZY!!!! I honestly don't' have anything particularly great to say about them. Leos are generally selfish lovers...but if they think a certain move will work for you, that's the only one they will do with you.
Virgo: I don't know. LOL.
Libra: I don't think I know any Libras period.
Scorpio: Every Scorpio I know is a freak. Whether I slept with them or not. Male or female. They are freaks. Just like freaks. And you wouldn't know it until you got in the bedroom with them. And then you're like "What is that swing for?"
Sagittarius: I am so in love with Sags. These men are probably the best lovers because they are no holds bar and will do anything...(not everything but almost everything) to please their lovers. And they are oh so passionate. and the best kissers. Period.

Reason #64 of why I need to move (short vlog)

2010-07-07T21:18:00.000-04:00

Yeah I am slightly upset about this...

10 Years Later and It's Still Not Easy

2010-07-01T08:57:00.000-04:00

I can remember July 1, 2000 like it was yesterday, or today. It was the summer before my junior year, and we were living in the town house in Ellicott City, MD. I was home alone and my mother was in Virginia. However, I can't recall where my sister or stepfather where at the time. I want to say this was during one of time's my sister was missing. I can remember vividly my mother running back and forth from MD to VA every other weekend, either for my uncle Kelly or my sister. That was a stressful time.

It was a Saturday. I was still on probation. Approximately 9 am in the morning my phone rang and it was my mom. She told me my uncle passed away during the early morning. I was shocked. I will not lie and say this was unexpected...but I was in denial. There was no way my uncle was dying, especially not from cancer.

Despite the fact that his over 300 pound frame had shrunk to less than 130, I was hopefully.
Despite the pain he felt when we hugged him, I was hopefully.
Despite the fact he was in a hospice, I was hopeful.

But he did. My uncle died from colon cancer. I don't remember when he was diagnosed. I just remember a rapid progression. I figured he would be okay because the doctors were smart, but he wasn't. I lost all hope that day. The funeral was on the 5th if I remember correctly. That day was a blur. I do remember everyone in the family telling me that I had to walk my grandmother in and be strong for her just in case she broke down. I remember thinking "I am barely 20...and I am hurting. How can I be strong for her?" but I was. So I sucked it up and I didn't cry at the funeral at all. But as I write these words, I can not stop the tears from flowing. One of my cousins showed out at the funeral and I was pissed...they didn't love him like I did! She was never around him...not even half as much as me. I hated her.

His son and daughter were there. They were crying. His son mentioned to me that he had no pictures of himself and his dad and that made him mad. Fortunately for them, I had a picture of my uncle, his daughter, his son, my father and me when we were all 5 or 6. I promised to mail him a copy. And I did. That's the ONLY picture he has of himself, his sister and his dad together. A picture more than 15 years old.

Years later, I am at my grandmother's house. My uncle had a room there, but no one slept in but me. I don't think my grandmother allowed it. But that night as we are getting ready for bed, my grandmother says to leave the lights on "so that Kelly can see when he gets home." My mother replies "Mom, you know Kelly is not coming home". My grandmother makes this strange face and then says "Oh yeah. sometimes I forget."

But I don't forget. I could never forget losing the first man I loved besides my own father. And every year on the anniversary of his death I cry. This morning as I was getting dressed, I came across the R.I.P. shirt my cousin had made. I started hyperventilating so bad I knew I'd pass out from lack of oxygen. My heart was racing and I couldn't see anything. I was having an anxiety attack and all I could think of was death. I was going to die, holding the shirt of my dead uncle. It was almost bittersweet. But I calmed down.

Originally I had plans to buy this overly expensive cute shirt to impress people who don't give a damn about my life. I changed my mind. Instead I will donate that $100 to Cancer.Org

R.I.P. to my uncle Kelly
The love I still feel for you is immeasurable.

Chris Brown is on some old Carl Thomas Shit...

2010-06-28T09:11:00.001-04:00

He's emotional!!!!
First off, I already KNOW there will be some hate on this blog and personally, I don't give a damn. Say what you will...I'm going to spit MY truth and reality.
Secondly...R.I.P. Michael Jackson.

Last year when during the BET awards, I just KNEW Chris Brown was going to come out and represent. Anyway with eyes can see that Chris has been heavily influenced by Michael Jackson in the way he sings and dance. It only seemed right. But of course, there was that not so little incident with Rihanna a few months earlier...and because of that, Chris was not present to pay tribute in a way that only he could have. I was slightly upset. How is MTV gonna show up BET in a tribute? I mean BET is "Black Entertainment Television"...I am black and was hardly entertained. But I digress...I am not surprised in the least that he didn't perform.

Fast forward to last night, and I am surprised and highly entertained. Chris Brown came out and ripped it (did you guys notice that neither Jay Z, Beyonce, nor Rihanna was in attendance...*team Jesus*). I was in my house singing and dancing along, happy that Chris finally got to do what he's been longing to do...pay tribute to the King (of Pop). As soon as the music dropped for "Man in the Mirror" I knew it was a wrap. This song makes ME cry so I can only imagine what it was going to do to this child...that's right CHILD.

Compared to me, Chris Brown is a child. Straight up and down. A child who made a foolish mistake. A child who will hopefully grow into a man who knows better and control his anger in the correct and proper way. The only person who knows the truth about that night is Chris, RiRi, and God. And only God can judge him. The problem is people are so quick to vilify this young man when they give praises to several other "women beaters" and "child molesters". Months leading up to the situation there were SEVERAL reports of Rihanna hitting on him and fights in hotel rooms, at beaches, at clubs...but pictures say 1000 words. Those pictures came out and it was a wrap for him. He gained some love when that cute white couple danced to "Forever" at their wedding. That song ended up being #1 on itunes almost 2 years after it dropped. However he is still facing the backlash, and his videos and songs hardly ever air on tv or the radio. But I love the way I can hear R. Kelly every other day or see him singing about being a Pied Piper (oooh the ironies in life...). Again, I digress.

I don't condone what Chris did. But that boy is a child. And children make mistakes. I have been in his position. And I mean that in this MOST literal way. I know what it's like to allow someone to get you so upset that your only recourse is to lash out and smack someone. I know what it's like to feel like you have to fight to get your point across. Thank God for anger management. I know better now. And hopefully he will too. I have friends (female and male) who have been on both sides. Domestic violence is not a situation to be taken lightly. And I don't take it lightly...but when I saw that child crying last night...my heart went out to him. Because not everyone knows that pain and turmoil and frustration that you feel inside...knowing you messed up, letting people down, being unable to release your stress/pain in a non violent way...so they will talk about you and diss you when they have done far worse.

As this child continues to grow and move forward in the future, one can only hope and pray that he grows into a respectable man who knows that the correct answer is to always walk away. I think he gets that.

Are You NOT entertained?

2010-06-22T21:14:00.000-04:00

Blogging is hard work.

When I initially started blogging (on myspace) it was all about my life: the ups, downs, good and bad. I talked about any and everything. If you needed a fuck, I didn't give it. I was like oh fuck everything and fuck everybody. It was a hot mess. Somewhere between 25 and 30 I began to care. Mostly about others...not so much about me talking about my life...but my life involves others. Others who rather not be mentioned or others I can't mention because of issues and situations. So there are no more "The Art of Spelling" blogs and as a result, there is no more 100s of kudos or comments.

Then again...I blogged constantly on myspace and maybe it was more user friendly there. I got away from myspace for Lent and tried to make this transition from that blog to this but it's not as successful. There I'd blog about every day life...here I am not as successful. And maybe because my life is changing. I have to give props to General Steele for offering to do his section "Generally Speaking"...but I feel like I do not do enough. I don't even try to really push this blog...there are no clever musings like I did on myspace.

So life is complicated right now...and has been for a while. And I can't talk about everything here...and that bothers me. I don't know who is reading what and who will think what and what's going to fall in the wrong hands. That is part of the reason why I took my twitter feed off the site...to avoid situations and issues. However, in the meantime/in between time...I have been working on my vision board. What's that?!?!

A vision board is a board with all of my goals planned out on it. Unlike my prayer list, this includes actual steps that I need to accomplish. I did a rough sketch of it the other week (see it here: Vision Board) and started the big board which will be placed on my living room wall.

In addition to getting my life together, I've been working on the following:

1. Finding a new apartment to live in
2. Work, work, and more work (thanks to everyone's prayers about me getting that promotion. I won't know until next week)
3. Getting out of debt (which includes even MORE work)
4. Getting healthier (which means drinking water, eating, and trying to be stress-free but I fail)
5. Traveling more
6. Being a better friend

However I'll admit I am in turmoil now. I want to write more but I'm fucking it up...I'm slipping, I'm falling, I can't get up.

It's 5 am in the morning, do you know where your children are?

2010-06-06T06:10:00.000-04:00

I can't believe my ass is up this early on a Sunday. I've actually been up since about 4 am and I have been contemplating making a cheeseburger the whole time. A cheeseburger, crab chips, and a vitamin water. Suffice to say, I haven't gotten out of the bed at all...but I did manage to turn on the computer to do some shopping on Piperlime. I need retail therapy.

This past week has been all types of busy. I mean everything that could have happened this week HAPPENED this week. As a result, I've been sleeping these incredibly off hours. And now, I sit here watching "True Life: We are breaking up", reading twitter (why is Family Matters trending?!?!), and shopping. During several different debates this week I have been told "I like how you're being nonchalant", "Why are you acting like you don't care?", "Yo you got to do something about these f*ckers" "Steff you have to do BOTH of these presentations next week" . I don't have time for all this. I even told my boss that I don't think I want her job because these people are tripping (and I didn't really mean it but I was so overwhelmed that day that all I wanted to do was walk out and go home and lay down).

I honestly thought that going away last weekend would give me the much needed vacation I needed. (It was a lot of fun and shout out to everyone because all in all it was a great weekend). But I only came back more tired than when I left, a lot more broke, and behind on work. These people don't understand what its like to be me. Not that my life is horrible but damn...can a sister breath?

As a result...I end up awake at 5 am, NOW watching Rugrats, looking around for Tylenol PM so I can get a few more hours of sleep.

Life is so f*cking awesome.

Generally Speaking #5: "God Bless You, Don’t Let The Devil Catch You"

2010-05-28T11:52:00.000-04:00

time: 9:29
date: 5-26-10
mood: intense

"God bless you don't let the devil catch you".

That is a saying some people use when someone sneezes. It makes sense when you think about it. I am not holier than thou and I am not one who goes to church but I do believe in God. I admit at times I do have questions and I want more proof of his/her existence. I know these questions are answered, sometimes without me knowing. I do have faith in a higher power. I don't know if I believe in reincarnation or the afterlife or I should say I don't understand much about it but I do believe in a power higher than myself. I believe that the sun, moon, stars, water and the firmament was created by the Almighty Creator of all living things. Some call God, some call Allah, some call Buddha, etc. You have some folks who don't believe in God. They don't believe in a higher power. They think all this was created by man. They think that the human body just happened, it just created itself through some wonder of science. That would be God. But hey that just my opinion. I guess we all need some way to explain the unexplainable. So if you are a scientologist or an atheist then I guess all the answers would be in science like the big bang theory. Well I believe in good and I know evil exist. Do I blame God? No. Some ask "why does God allow so much suffering?" Only God really knows but people have written books and shot movies depicting their version. But here is my version; Our father who art in Heaven loves us so much that he let us be free to decide if we love him back. Why doesn't God make everything work perfect? I mean think about the glory you receive when you accomplish something or how it feels when someone in your family graduates or excels in life. Well what about slavery? I don't think God allows evil, I think it is a part of being free. We are free to choose if we want to be good or evil, if we want to help or hurt. We are pretty much in control. We all know what happens when you lose control or you are a control freak. Its hardly ever a good turn out. People make situations better or worse. People with power take advantage of people who are not aware of their own power. God doesn't do that, people do. People want what they want, when they want it. Some lack compassion an thru their freedom began to warp into a conveyor of evil deeds, an agent for Satan.

God Bless you,Don't let the devil catch you

I say this because the devil works hard to trick us into thinking God does not exist. We judge happiness by the material wealth we have. That has nothing to do with God. On the money it says in God we trust, God has no need for a promissory note. In King James' bible it speaks about how the people wanted a king to rule over them. That makes sense. I know some folks who don't want the responsibility of being responsible and would gladly relinquish their power. But what happens when you give that power to someone else and they prove to be an agent for satan. Who is satan? satan is an angel who turned on his father and who hated the people because his father gave them so much even when they proved ungrateful. Yeah I know sounds like a movie don't it. But it makes for a good read. Its reflected in the relationships of today. Whether father and son, mother and daughter, amongst buddies etc. Satan is jealous and likes attention but apparently so does God. Satan likes to lie, cheat, steal. Satan likes to manipulate our way of thinking. Satan is relentless and doesn't have any love for us what so ever but tries to tempt us with promises of love and reward. Don't let the devil catch you or cause you to get caught up.

What sense does it make to fall in love with materials that you can't take with you when you die. Its kinda F'd up right. You work all your life to acquire this great stuff that you can't keep when you move on. So people will be dividing your old belongings, fighting over them even as if you did it for them. Or you do like some folks do, write a will designating stuff to certain people. Either way its a morbid concept. I guess its whatever works for you. It is said in King James' bible that it easier for a camel to pass thru the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the gates of heaven (Mark 10:25). You have some preachers who are abundantly wealthy due to their congregation. Jesus spoke to the poor underprivileged folks. He went to the mountains he broke bread with the heathens and the homeless. He cured people free of charge. All you had to do was believe. I guess it became hard for us to believe. Because now we have the medicine to heal us and we don't sit with no heathens and to hell with the homeless. We have became self absorbed beings who have no faith and no appreciation for the blessing of life that God has bestowed upon you. Think of it as a test if you pass the test of life, then you can move to the next level just like a video game. Sound simple enough. Imagine if it really was this simple. Do unto others as you have them do unto you. Thou shall not kill. You know, stuff like that. I mean imagine if we followed the basic instructions before leaving earth (bible) as Killa Priest calls it. Or maybe we are satisfied with this modern day Sodom and Gomorrah. Maybe there is some scientific explanation for all the killing and despair. Or maybe it's in the water. As we advance in technology we lose more and more of our humanity. Computers become our god and we act as demi-gods who impose law and order on our subjects or followers (via facebook and twitter,etc.). We all have powers and even super powers. We just have to tune into it, find what we are good at, where we excel. We can use our power for good or for evil purposes. I admit sometimes I fall from grace and think about doing some evil sh*t to some people but I believe that this part of the test to fight those impulses. Some people cant help but to be or do evil. They are out of control. Or maybe they are in more control than we think. Hmmm.

I think overall I am a good person. I don't mean to do anyone any harm. I don't harbor any hate for anyone. I try to follow some sort of protocol for righteousness. But I am not here to judge the levels of holiness or Godliness. My body is my sacred temple. As I live I learn more about how to live. That's a blessing. My two children are a blessing and that's just part of it. Love feels good. I don't really like hate but I think its necessary. I often battle with evil and hatred. Trying to keep them off my back. Trying not to let them get the best of me and sway me towards its natural circumstances. I believe. And because I believe it fuels me this expedition called life. If this was a video game then lets say the winner gets to keep his soul and go on to the next of life. Whatever that may be it sounds better than eternal damnation. I guess it suits me to think that all bad people and heartless deeds will be vindicated thru nature. I believe this is how God designed it. So simple is life yet complex as a seed that holds the blueprint for life inside. Amazing architecture. God is Great. I am not trying to convert anyone. Come to think of it I don't even have a religion. I'm a BuddhaChristianRastaMuslim or an IslamicBuddhistRastaJew or something like that. No disrespect to anyone's religion. I believe there is a line between right and wrong, be it thin or broad and we have the option to choose what side suits us best. How beloved is that? Well I wont tell you what to use your powers for. I'm still learning how to harness my own. But good luck in finding yours and may God Bless you don't let the devil catch you!

~~Peace~~War

General Steele

Sometimes I just need a hug...

2010-05-27T10:02:00.000-04:00

Do you ever get so overwhelmed with life that you wish you could just push the pause button? I never want it to end but sometimes, especially at night, I lie in my bed and it feels like I am suffocating. I can't breath, I can't think clear, and I'm lost. Trying to explain this to people in my circle and family is hard...they don't get it. They think my life is good, and I should be grateful.

I am grateful.

However being grateful doesn't mean becoming content and complacent.

I remember one day a few years ago I was at work in the Picture People and I was beyond sad. I was so fed up with the day and I was tired. I had took pictures of this little 3 year old girl on a whim, I offered the mom a free picture of her daughter if she let me take a few. So the little girl was very whimsical throughout and it made me laugh. When they came back to see the pictures, I was sitting on the floor, tired, fed up and just wanted to go home. The little girl turned to me and gave me a hug. She squeezed me so tight and I felt so much love, I wanted to cry.

Her mother looks up and says "Aww are you being friendly?...she never hugs people. She must knew you needed one."

Isn't that odd? A little girl can sense pain but grown folks around me are so wrapped up in themselves that they don't notice what other people are going through. Anyway...I entered her picture into the yearly contest Picture People had. And the picture won for our store. I still have the picture I took, and I sometimes look at it and remember that day.

So yeah...sometimes...all I want is a hug. Is that too much to ask for?

Generally Speaking #4: "No Just Us, No Piece"

2010-05-11T12:33:00.001-04:00

Time: 10 am

Date: 5-10-10

Place: my living room

Mood: limbo

"No Just us, No Piece"

There is no "just us" and there will be no piece for any of us if we can't work together.

If it was just us we would be able to work through some of the social obstacles that hold us back as a people.

Communication is a key to unlock marvelous possibilities. Do we communicate well with our significant other, our children, family, friends, co-workers, strangers? Do we understand what Bob Marley meant when he sang "it don't rain on one man’s house top"?

How often do you talk to your neighbor? Or the elder that you always see looking mean on the block? Do you know anything about these people you see and bypass everyday in your community? Do you see the young black male with the slight scowl and label him or her a thug?

Have you ever given a piece of yourself free of your heart with no ulterior motives or desires?

It's tough because we all want to be compensated for giving or "helping" but imagine if we did it without thinking or expecting something in return....

What would that produce?

Imagine if we knew all the people in our neighborhood, not to be in everybody's business, but I've heard that it takes a community to raise a child, but now it seems that our children are sent out into the wilderness to fend for themselves.

The civil rights leaders marched arm in arm and hand in hand with the people in the 60's to topple many adversities and civil injustices. The popular rally cry was "No Justice, No Peace". There where riots and protests some peaceful some bloody. Dr. Martin Luther King was hit with a brick during one of the many peaceful protests.

What this did was open a portal for people of color to communicate about the problems they shared and to devise real solutions for these real problems.

Seems like that portal has narrowed if not closed completely over time.

Today the popular cry is "Imma Do Me" or "Get Yours" with a "f**k the world don't ask me for sh*t" type of attitude.

Is everyone out for self? I do believe in do for self but I don't believe we can do it by ourselves.

I mean we don't live on God’s green earth alone. There has to be a reason why there are other people that exist. So many different people. So much to experience. What's to expect from that which you know not?

How can we get a piece of life or a slice of life?

I think life is for the living. You have to experience it to enjoy it. Get out and see what life has to offer you. Or what you can make out of your life. Get on line for your piece of the pie.

"Share and share alike." To live as a community is to live in common unity as one, Just Us.

We are all different yet we are all the same in humanity. We all want a piece or at least our fair share if not more. We think that a piece will give us peace. Some even think you can bring about peace by using a piece or some weapon. This can have many understandings.

Everything in nature is cyclical. Give to the earth and the earth will give back unto you.

We have to practice getting along with Just Us meaning us as a people (all people) as communities, families, etc, in order to really get a piece of the lot.

African Americans where promised 40 acres of land and a mule to begin their start as free settlers in certain parts of America. Needless to say there where African Americans in various parts of the U.S. that where already very well off who lived and worked amongst whites.

It’s up to us (the people) to work the land, to feed, clothe and school the babies, to police our hoods, to govern our cities, to run our grocery stores, to clean our streets, to care for our elderly, it’s Just Us.

It's up to Just Us (We the people)

There will be no peace until we get a piece.....

No Peace

General Steele

Are Blacks Genetically Dumber?

2010-04-29T13:23:00.001-04:00

I don't know where to begin with this. For those who haven't heard about the controversy with the 3L law student at Harvard, click here: Harvard Law School 3L Racist Email. When I first read about this story, I was not the least bit surprise or blown away by the fact that a white female law student at Harvard would believe this to be true. I was somewhat amazed by her rationale: "Irish people tend to have red hair" "African Americans people tend to have dark skin" (really?!?!....lol. Most African Americans I know aren't hardly "dark" skinned). Her logic leads to the postulate that "African Americans tend to be not as intelligent as Caucasians". WORD?

I don't have the time to debate her "logic" and it's pointless. She has to be at least 25 years that the opinions that she has formed are pretty much set in stone. It's hard to teach an old dog new tricks. And by old dog, I mean racist bitch. But that's neither her nor there.

My problem with this line of thought is that Africa is the birth place to civilization and black people were robbed of their heritage. A heritage that had a written language, mathematics, art, and architecture. Africans/Blacks knew about irrigation and farming and were hard workers. That's why our people were stolen (sometimes sold) by slave owners. America wouldn't be shit without Africans. And if you take a good look around to ancient civilizations, you will see that it's the "minorities" that had the greater understand of the world and how it worked. Not the Greeks, Romans, whoever in Europe who came to Africa and Asia and STOLE all this information and passed it off as their own. Look at the architecture in Africa, Asia, and South America. The most perfect buildings in the world are the Great Pyramids. And I don't mean they are just architecturally beautifully, but their position and size give praise to Astrology/Astronomy and Mathematics. Black people built the pyramids with NOTHING yet these smart White people can't replicate them with all the technology they have "invented" over the years. Yet black people are "genetically dumber."

Our people did that.

I don't care what anyone thinks...black people, you aren't dumb. A bit misguided, a bit broken down, A LOT destroyed from years of oppression. But far from stupid. Black people are the most innovative and one of the most strongest group of people to even continue in this struggle we call life after our community, our traditions, and our livelihood has been ruined. I don't like to think that one group is "better" than another group. People will always fall along the spectrum...there are some smart ones, some dumb ones, and some in the middle. But to think a whole group of people is beneath you is disgusting. And this one day will be a feature lawyer. Let's just hope she's not in Criminal Law.

Well, there is some hope for us genetically dumber black people. And that's Katie Washington. The first black Valedictorian of Notre Dame.

But then again, maybe she's mixed and some of that smart white knowledge rubbed off on her.

NOTE: this is another thrown together blog. It's probably real incoherent but I don't care. I am in the midst of helping my boss with a progress report so please "excuse me if I go to fast."

Edit: So the culprit of this email has been identified. Her name is Stephanie Grace (*hangs head in shame. Not a Stephanie*) and she apparently has a degree in Sociology! Ironically we were just talking about this at my job the other day, how some people (key word: SOME) feel the need to help the "poor black people" because we have lost our way. Read about her here: Meet Stephanie Grace

Haiku'ing: Do Better Movement

2010-04-23T13:39:00.000-04:00

You talk, I listen
Your words inspire me to think more,
Be More, and Do Better

The Do Better movement is still in effect. Every day, all day. I've been quite busy with life. I know you don't feel abandoned tho, I make it my mission to post something at least once a week. Life is quite interesting right now...and things I thought I knew, I found out I didn't know at all. (Quite cryptic...don't you think...). I am quite impressed with all of my friends and associates. I see this wonderful shift going on. People are becoming more aware of themselves, their surroundings, and others. I am in love with everyone right now. It could just be that we are getting older and wiser. Or maybe I have finally picked the RIGHT people to associate with? Perhaps. Or maybe it's the cosmos and the Mayan Calendar coming to a close in a little over two years. They say it's the end of an age. Maybe the next "age" will be a more humbling one of understanding and communication.
No matter the case...everyone I have included in my life is here for a reason.

It's Friday. I am in a good mood.

p.s. for those who follow me on twitter, this was NOT the blog I was intending to do. I am really careful about my words these days as to not offend anyone. On the old blog, I didn't care who saw what and who felt any kind of way. But as I learn to respect others more, I can't be the old "Steff". So while that blog is written, it will say "saved" until the timing is better.

Confederate History Month: Because taking L's is cool

2010-04-08T11:50:00.000-04:00

I don't know why anything amazes me anymore. It's 2010, we live in the future...so why I am shocked when Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell declared April as "Confederate History Month"?!? I went to Robert E Lee Elementary school and Patrick Henry Elementary. This is the same state that celebrates "Jackson-Lee-King Day" (oh yes, Stonewall Jackson, Robert E Lee, and MLK share ONE holiday).

Honestly I don't get it. I grew up in Richmond (the capital of the Confederacy) and there is a little class called "Virginia History" which focused heavily on Virginia's role in the Civil War (or maybe my teacher was bugging?!?!). Either way, I don't understand the need to glorify treason and racism as if it's something to be proud of. I guess during this month they will freely hang the confederate flag along side the American flag (oh the irony) and we can "Pledge Allegiance" to these ideals the commonwealth have deemed worthy of praise. Of course, the Governor conveniently left out slavery because the civil war was not fought over slavery, rather it was about "states rights" which included the right to own slaves and make it's own rules. However, he digressed and decided that slavery was important since:

"(I)t is important for all Virginians to understand that the institution of slavery led to this (Civil) war and was an evil and inhumane practice that deprived people of their God-given inalienable rights and all Virginians are thankful for its permanent eradication from our borders"

Hold up what?...so the Confederate's side of the Civil Was WAS fought because of slavery and now you want to celebrate that?! And if Virginians should be "thankful" for the eradication of slavery, then what is the purpose of "Confederate" History? How is confederate history different than United States history? I guess we should focus on the supporters of slavery, state's rights, and what the confederate flag really means. Isn't that VA history anyway?

I am pretty sure there is not a "Nazi History" month in Germany where they "celebrate" the traditions of the past. Where everyone hangs swastikas from their door and give shout outs to Hitler and talk about how he and the nazi soldiers fought for Germany's rights. They probably would talk about how the good ole days were before Yankee America came through and laid the smack down. Actually...there are people who do this...they are called Skinheads, Neo-Nazis...Racists.

But I am sure the Governor doesn't mean it that way. But as one commenter said on another blog "Make a choice; be a proud American or a proud Confederate. You cannot possibly be both."

Generally Speaking #3 "Do We Go Too Far?"

2010-04-05T14:15:00.002-04:00

Date: 3-31-10
Time: 2:00 am
Mood: refreshed

DO WE GO TOO FAR?

“When (or can) Freedom of expression goes too far"

OR "when keeping it real goes wrong"

Do we take freedom of expression too far?
I mean can we take our freedom to express too far?
Does that sound like a crazy question to ask?

I know when speaking of freedom it's kind of odd to suggest that we may take it too far.
That’s almost like asking "are we too free?"
I mean are we?
Do you ever feel like some people take FREEDOM for granted?

Do we sometimes take our freedom to express ourselves for granted? Or do we take others freedoms for granted?

Myself as an artist has a high respect for creative freedom which is one of the reasons I am an independent artist.

But do we as artist take our right to express ourselves freely too far?
I guess we would have to ask how far is too far?

First let’s look at this quote from the Bill of Right:
"First Amendment: addresses the rights of freedom of religion (prohibiting Congress from establishing a religion and protecting the right to free exercise of religion), freedom of speech, freedom of the press, freedom of assembly, and freedom of petition."

I know there are artist as well as many people who are not artists who express their dissatisfaction with a boss, their record label, a law or regulation and even the government and the people in power.

There have been many songs by hip hop artists and other various song writers expressing a bevy of controversial topics.

P.E. said Fight The Power, NWA said F*** The Police, Ice T had a song called Cop Killer which he performed with a rock group. I released an album titled Amerikkkas Nightmare 2/Children Of War where I gave my opinion on many controversial issues. Luke and The 2 Live Crew were also very controversial artist.

Some of these artists spawned a small crusade of neighborhood politicians, clergyman, religious figures and others in attempt to censor and or even ban these hip hop artist.

This sparked a huge first amendment battle in court one of the first of its kind. This may have been one of the incidents that catapulted these artists into stardom as the plan to censor them only exposed them to the public even more making them even more famous or more infamous.

There have been many ways artist have expressed themselves. Some have always been odd to many of us maybe increasing the allure. I guess that’s what a Lady Gaga has in mind with her bizarre outfits or perhaps what some these rappers are thinking as they get more and more extreme tattoos.

You've had people in protest who burn the American flag.

We've even seen Erykah Badu strip bucket naked in her video Window Seat of her album titled "New Amerykah Part Two (Return of the Ankh) ".

She actually may face charges of indecent exposure. I for one hope not.

But if it was on the flip side and some crazy guy stripped bucket naked in the street, he would surely go to jail. Ha-ha

But it’s been done before in rock n roll music. Some crazy rocker wilding out on stage or a fan for that matter. Like Ozzie biting the head off a dove or the fan of say a Rage against the Machine.

There have been controversial paintings and photographs as well.
But can we go too far? Do we sometimes go too far?
Some say yes
But how far is too far? Who is to say? How do we rate that?

Well in my opinion that’s one hell of an argument that may be debated for decades. But with all the creative ways people choose to express themselves on all levels better believe the powers that be are constructing new ways to restrict those expressions.

No matter how vulgar or how "different" someone's style is should that give us a right to revoke their first amendment? Maybe I'm going too far or maybe we do go too far...sometimes.

Like the 22 year old rapper who shot a guy then made a song about shooting the guy. Obviously his words were used against him in a court of law and he went to jail for the crime.

They say art imitates life.

That art is just an expressive extension or distortion of life.
How it is or how one would like to see it.

Our likes and dislikes
Our cries and our desires
Our fears and our fury.

We express what we believe or what we feel or what we know....if we find the courage to do so.
I don't know if we go too far
Who am I to judge?

GENERAL STEELE

"Ass so phat that you can see it from the front..."(c) Mos Def

2010-04-01T13:16:00.000-04:00

You already know what it is. (and this is a somewhat collaborative blog because this one will lead into the next one...)
And this is by no means any DISRESPECT. I love Sister Erykah. She is a breath of fresh air, deep, intriguing and real. She is also at the center of a lot of controversy. I am sure many of you have seen the video for "Window Seat" (and if not...it will be posted a link at the end). Many were confused, and many applauded. As she began to strip down I was curious as too how much I'd get to see. I was girl crushing ALL over her, hoping to see a peak and totally disregarded the song and the overall message. I forgot the news airing clip at the beginning and was totally oblivious to the fact that she was walking down Elm Street to the mark where JFK was assassinated.

Then it happens:

At this point, I am no longer interested in the song (which is one of my favorites off the cd) but I am like "Snap is she gonna get naked..." and I am literally nose to screen with the computer like a pervert who just got out of jail. I am so ashamed.

Moments later I, along with countless others, are discussing the stripping scene...not the whole message behind the video. I mean I got it and that was cool and all but she was UNDRESSING...forget everything else.

Revisiting the video and seeing her tweet (www.twitter.com/fatbellybella) I realize that I was too focused on the wrong thing. I didn't even notice the words "Groupthink" at the end...and then the movement begins. Everyone discussing and talking about it. And of course, I was caught up in the mentality that made me focus on her body and not her words.
If asked to name my three top songs by her I'd say "On & On", "Next Lifetime", and "Penitentiary Philosophy". Then I'd name three more that are just as good. Then I'd name three more. So I am not caught up on her looks and her body...but that's what got me.

Now people are wondering if she went to far...who knows?!?! The message was lost on many, but I'll let the Brother Steele discuss that in his next feature...But for now, visit her site and enjoy:

http://www.erykahbadu.com/ (click the Ankh and the video will start)

Generally Speaking#2: Are We Going Crazy?

2010-03-19T09:47:00.000-04:00

Date:3-15-10
Time:11:30 a.m.
Mood: a lil crazy

ARE WE (ALL) GOING CRAZY !?

Is it just me
or are we all going CRAZY !?

A friend of mine who is in the military said he had just gone for psychological evaluation. When he told me I was a little shocked but I chose not to ask any questions. I figure if he has something to open up about , then probably best to just let him talk. But I was bugging a little bit.

He said there wasn't anything wrong with him and he just wanted to get some answers. Maybe hear something else from some outside entity with no personal involvement whatsoever.
Either way it struck me as little odd. i couldn't help but to think the military may have gotten to him a bit. That's my boy. Besides that he just started . All i could find the courage to ask was ,"how old are you?..."

"25" he responded. "I just turned 25"

"you're mad young " I said

"Yeah", he said "but I just need to hear something else like..."

I understood but I couldn't really understand.
I mean you are young, ya life just started you don't have many problems but for some reasons you feel you need psychological evaluation.
I can respect that.

Its better than you coming home from the military, (and need I mention that my friend didn't go to war per say, but he did serve as a guard for various ops that he could not mention)
but its better than coming home and killing random people like Colin Ferguson or the recent Major incident at Fort Hood where Major Nidal M Hasan, who was also a Doctor snapped and killed 12 people and wounded 31 others.
Not saying my boy would wild like that
but sometimes I got to ask "Are we going crazy?"
I mean are we all just going crazy and we don't know it?
I mean I want some answers too (but to what?)

where do i start?

I can't lie sometimes I be feeling crazy
I be going thru some wild ish that have me thinking "this gotta be unreal" or too real for that fact.
Thank God I manage to pull it together, at least enough to keep it moving
But when I look at my boy or when I listen to my friend I cant help but to think: "what if we cant pull it together and we just snap"

Will we be able to prevent it?
Will we be able to pinpoint it?
Will we be able to express it in a positive way?

When I look around today I cant help but to take notice to the fact there are more and more atrocious crimes being committed as well as more desperation, depression, scandals to say the least .
I don't know if I am reading the news or a tabloid sometimes
I watch the news and they are reporting on peoples twitter comments...wtf
I guess that's news also.

When I think about the day to day worries every average individual may have to incur I become overwhelmed,
Then when I think about the countless amount of folks who continue to go on each day or the people who survived beneath collapsed ruble due to the earthquakes in Haiti for days and weeks even after the search was called off.
We are survivors of some of the most cataclysmic occurrences in history to date.
Yet are we are victims and very well may be perpetrators of even more indescribable events that have shaped our very way of living.

Its hard not to feel a little crazy sometimes or to feel like your going to snap any minute.

I mean whom of us is really exempt. Which of us really have our chi down packed in which to avoid the climatic breaking point.
Whether its an annoying boss or crappy job, a nagging wife or husband, kids, baby mamma/daddy drama, finances, bills, sheer bad luck or whatever or maybe just the day to day hustle and bustle of trying to be progressive and productive and forward your career or advance your life,or maybe your just fed up. That's when the pressure builds.
Really at any given moment for any potential reason in any accommodating climate or scenario any one of us could snap.

With the right amount of pressure. It's kind of like Melly Mell said "Don't push me cause I'm close to the edge...I'm trying not to lose my head..."

Its been said that many of our great scholars, artist and even musicians may have been a little nuts or ultimately driven mad.
And if we look today we can see living testaments to that in some of our artist and musicians today to say the least.
I look out my window, I watch the television ,listen to the radio, read the paper and I find more than enough evidence to support the theory that we're going mad.
"Man kills wife, wife kills husband, child slain, man jumps, women hit by train, law maker breaks the law, war, poverty, disease, hormones in the food, in the water, earthquakes ,brother killing brother... WAIT!"
that sounds like REVELATION...

The thought alone is enough to drive Bill Cosby to say "What the F**K!"
Or Zen master Russell Simmons to yell "These M**** is F*** CRAZY as a M****!
If he hasn't already.

I mean its all enough to drive any "sane" person over the edge. But for us who think we are the "sane" ones I ask "Are we really crazy and just don't know it?, how do we know, do we know our breaking point, will we be able to prevent it, curtail or direct it in a positive fashion?
Will the twig bend or snap?
Will we resort to medication which is the obvious choice
or will we embrace meditation."
Either way this beloved system has places for the clinically and the criminally insane.
Not to mention enough drugs to medicate a country.

A friend of mine told me about his buddy who has a 15 year old. The 15 year old had a problem with how the teacher was teaching so some minor disorder occurred which led to the boy being sent to the school psychiatrist. The boy was asked a series a questions, with out parental consent or supervision might I add. Obviously the boy was angry but when he was asked did he think about death he replied "yes". From where?
The video games that he plays day in day out. (see: Halo, Call of Duty...u get the picture)
The next question was tricky do you feel suicidal he was asked. "I think so " he responded.
This answer led him right to the psychiatric hospital.
With real crazy people......for real.
The boy was shocked to say the least.
He had no idea his words would wind him up in here.This was the real deal.
His father found out later and you can imagine his anger. This incident allowed the law to come in and inspect this mans home and ask him questions about his lifestyle and income citing his Range Rover in the driveway one cop stated "What do you do,you got a Range Rover?"
The nerve.
That sh*t make me crazy
But I can't blame either side.If you are the law, then you have to check it out even though we cant catch em all.
Like the father who shot his 16 year old son to death only after making him strip and walk to his death after finding out that the boy had admitted to molesting his 3 year old sister.

THAT'S CRAZY! WHAT MADNESS.....360 degrees of Insanity

But oddly founded that it may be this same madness that drives us to succeed and pushes us to new limits and bounds that show the continuous evolution of man/woman in society as a whole.
As some say "you got to be a little crazy to deal with this or put up with that".

A famous singer said " let's go crazy, lets get nuts " ...Prince

He was talking about good and evil (in my opinion) amongst other things I'm sure...BUT...
He was talking about if the elevator (of life) ever try to bring you down then "Lets Go Crazy".

Salute.

General Steele

Census 2010: We can't move forward indeed...

2010-03-17T20:06:00.000-04:00

I debated making this blog for a few days now. I know this might seem petty or childish to some people...and I admit I laughed but seriously I do feel a certain way...so fuck it. This is MY blog so let me express MY feelings.

I hate the new Census. I hate the attempt at a mainstream pop-ish song featuring people of various races (what races depends on what channel) singing "We can't move forward until you mail it back!!" and people are dancing around like that's the banging shit in the club. I hate the fact that they want to know everyone's business. Why do you need names and birthdays. And why is now required by law that you answer the damn Census. But beware...if you don't...they will call you because despite them asking for your number, they already have it. And if you don't answer, that's cool too. They will send their field workers to your house to ask you that survey. So I guess it's best that you do it yourself. I am surprised that they didn't ask for SS#s on that bitch too. Maybe in 2020...or we might be lucky by then and already have chips implanted in us so there will be no need for a Census. I slightly understand why immigrants would NOT fill out this form. I'd be scared I was going to be picked up too.

*time out...did I just say that out loud? Yeah I did. Do I believe that would happen? Maybe...shit who knows*

I sort of feel like the Infamous Lady T: "I think they are making the census so important & "mandatory" this yr bec they NEED 2 kno how many ppl there are 2 smack dwn #martiallaw"

And I open it up and what do I see under race: "Black, African Am., or Negro". WORD. I thought we were moving forward. Okay...I don't consider myself negro but I guess it's all the same to the people at the census. Someone must have complained because they issued this statement:

In this day and age, why is the word "Negro" included as part of the race question on the 2010 Census form?

The wording of the race category labeled "Black, African Am., or Negro" is based on Office of Management and Budget standards and Census Bureau research that showed a segment of the population still identifies itself as "Negro." The Census Bureau has a research team dedicated to investigating issues and analyzing data on the nation's diverse racial and ethnic groups. The Census Bureau is testing the removal of the term "Negro" from the question on race, and results of this research will inform design changes for future surveys and the 2020 Census. We are sorry if some are offended by the use of this word in the 2010 Census and hope that it will not stop them from returning their forms and being fully counted by the census.

*rolls eyes again*
That's cool. But I am pretty sure we could apply this logic to the term "colored". I am sure there are many people who call themselves "colored". What the fuck ever. And several white people have said not to be upset or use "common sense" when dealing with the Census. My "common" sense says fuck this form and fuck the government's nosy ass trying to figure out who I got in my house.

But my intellect says to look at that shitty schools in my hood, the lack of parks and libraries, and the destruction of the black community and how can I NOT turn it back in if that means getting a few more dollars than before. And real talk white people...no disrespect but I don't think any of you are in any position to tell a black person how to feel about still being labeled in a disparaging way. One of my girls (who is Hispanic) is upset because she can't correctly classify her race. And at first I was like "girl please" but I can't relate to her specific concern...so I have to respect that...so anyway....I did fill it out. But I left off names and other identifying information. Let them call me on that...even tho I did leave my number off too.

We were niggas before...I guess I can be a negro for the greater good of the community.

Edit: I wrote this blog in less than 10 minutes so please forgive any mistakes or if it's all over the place. but this is how I feel.

Happy Black Girl Day!!!

2010-03-10T16:00:00.002-05:00

I'm a happy black (and natural) girl. Or moreso a woman but that's just semantics.

I log onto twitter every morning and to my surprise I am seeing a lot of #happyblackgirlday and #HBGD and I am like "How did I miss THIS holiday?" I am all about giving praise to my beautiful sisters and supporting them in what ever they do. Then I found the originator of this day, a beautiful blogger who stole my heart a few months ago (but she doesn't know it) and I love her blog (which is called The Beautiful Struggler ...a girl after my own heart). So I peeped her blog on Happy Black Girl Day and smiled. I think it's about time we something for ourselves. I think a lot of time black women carry the worries of the world on their shoulders. We are daughters, sisters, mothers, caretakers, teachers, nurses...everything. Someone asked me on formspring why black women were so hard on black men and I wanted to get pissed. But then I realized today was not the day and that was not the place. Black women want our men and our families to succeed...and if we have to push you to greatness and be mean in the process, so be it. I think a good friend of mine said recently "Greatness waits for no one" (I am sure that's a well known quote but for all intents and purposes). I want my people to be great.

Anywho...in spirit of today I think that all my happy black girls out there should celebrate being black and strong and proud. Hold our heads high and strut like the QUEENS we are. I urge everyone to treat themselves today. Buy yourself something nice, or fix your favorite meal. Perhaps you can go home, run a bubble bath, put on your favorite cd (Amerie's "All I have" is sounding good to me...) and relax. Cherish this day as yours. I think we all deserve it.

Why am I a happy black girl?

I have a great family
I have great friends
I am alive
I have a good job
God found favor in me to allow me to see another day alive

I love my beautiful black sisters. I hope you love yourself too!

New blogs coming soon on various things....be patient. But we are very busy people but we got you.

Generally Speaking: Why should I go on living?

2010-03-03T16:27:00.000-05:00

Date: 2-23-10
Time: 7am
Mood: Blessed

Why should I go on living?

Before I can answer that, or even begin to ask that
I must recall what the bible says in Genesis 2:7 : "Then the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breathe of life, and man became a living soul".

Imagine that.

Also I have to consider Genesis 1:27 "And God created man in His own image, in the image of God created he Him. " Wow!

I(we) was created by God in the same image as God?!
That's an immaculate conception
So The Almighty Creator of All Living Things created me(we) man in His image on the 6th day right after he made the Heavens and The Earth,
He said "Let there be light", saw that it was all good,
split the waters from the firmament, made all the animals
and then made me (we)

Man to inherit this and be sort of like the caretaker of the world he has created for me (we) ?!
WOW!
what an amazing gift
what can top that
a diamond?How bout a lot of diamonds
but where can i find diamonds..............wait a minute diamonds are found in the Earth that God created for me (we) and entrusted me (we) to take care of.
That's pretty awesome

So its like anything that I (we) could possibly need or want exist in this Earth that God has created for me(we)
and told us to be fruitful and multiply and to live in abundance.
Wow!
So you mean to tell me out the millions of little sperm cells that fought to exist I am the only one who made it?
was is it destiny?

That's a big responsibility
I don't know if I can handle ALL that...why me?!
I mean I ain't no religious buff or anything like that
does God choose some and not others?

why? and how do we know?

I know many have questioned Gods very existence
I may have been guilty of this at times in the past while whirl winding thru one of my many extremely emotional bouts with what I call the struggles of life.

You know the things we tend to see more and more of, the positive and the negatives of life.
From poverty, homelessness, depression, hopelessness, hatred, killings, crimes, discrimination, war, suffering, etc.,on
to the hopeful, hardworking, loving, caring people who dedicate their every fiber to educate and help the people
and to just create a place for us all
as I believe God intended to do.

Why should I go on living?!

Who am I to question that?
which was given as a gift by the Almighty Creator
consider those who didn't make it
or those who suffered great for the sake of me (we) to be here
And lets not forget the mothers who bear us for 9 months in their womb allowing nourishment, safety, and love while enduring immense physical pain as well as other changes.
Such strength should never go unappreciated

It would be selfish of me to look down upon this gift of life which was given to me (we) by God! Wow!
I must be special to have made it this far
I hope my Father/Mother can be proud of me(we)
I will do my best
to go on living
if not for myself , then for my Father/Mother
and if not for my Father then for my sons
for they to will bear the toils which there father endured
I pray they are strong enough and like any father I pray that they love me and I love them
and that we should continue to keep on living as we are all Gods' children.
Go on and Live...and Give Thanx and Praise to The Father

General Steele

Find General Steele:

Twitter: http://twitter.com/GeneralSteele
Facebook: General Steele's Fan Page Facebook
Blog: http://steele.bucktownusa.com/

Blogger's Note: From now until an undetermined amount of time, General Steele (of Smif N Wessun fame) will be contributing to my blog. If the response is good, we will continue to expand and build on this partnership. I'd like to thank the General for donating his time and words. He recently dropped an album (cop that on Duckdown, Itunes or Amazon) and I know his time is precious. Salute!

Adventures in the ER...

2010-02-28T10:43:00.000-05:00

The past month or so I haven't been feeling 100%. No, let me be honest...I haven't felt 100% for MONTHS now. The last time I went to the doctor she mentioned I was stressed, my heart rate was elevated too amongst other things. I said I'd calm down and relax. And I tried.

The past week I've been getting extra anxious. I finally call the new doctor's office and get an appointment for Wednesday. On Wed, I hoped my happy ass on the bus and rode for two hours to see the doctor, only to get off at the wrong stop and have to walk a mile down to the office. I get there and I am tired and pissed. I walked through a field, so my jeans and shoes were covered in mud and water. I pay my little co-pay and go in the office. The nurse checks me out and is shocked at my heart rate. This is bad. The doctor hooks me up to an EKG and as I lay there I get scared. Suppose this is a heart attack? My pulse starts racing and the doctor tells me calm down. I am shaking. Moments later she tells me my EKG is fine. I have no heart problems, except this minor t wave thing that indicates a potassium deficiency. I ask her point blank "Am I going to die? Can we fix it?"

"It's curable. You are fine but I am sending you to the ER."

10 minutes later, the ambulance arrives and I am swooped away. Along the way I hit up a few people. I feel extra stupid. I just got on one of my good friends about his health. "You are no good to anyone sick...if you need insurance or help, I have connects..." just a rack of things. Oh the irony.

In the ER, another EKG and a heart monitor are placed on. She finds the same thing. So they stick me about 6 times for blood due to my small veins. An hour later, the blood work is back and I am fine. No problems at all. Okay so this is odd right...go pee in a cup. 20 minutes later...oh you are dehydrated and "are you anorexic?" WTH lady? Oh well we found ketones in your urine which means diabetes or anorexic (malnourishment), and you do NOT have diabetes. For 30 minutes we talk about this whole eating thing, and I am super tired and I want to sleep but they think I am sick.

I get 2 IVs baggies of liquid. After the first one, my heart rate drops considerably. That was the problem. I get another one and I am feeling extra better. I am starving at this point.

They keep me a bit longer. I get released with the advice "eat more, drink more water, and relax. you are too stressed out." My mother takes me to eat, and I pick at the food. I eat less than half and then I feel bad, like am I unconsciously not eating? I start drinking water like it's going out of style when I get home.

This experience scared the shit out of me. I never thought that I'd end up in the hospital for something like "dehydration" or "exhaustion". I always laughed at people who had those type of problems. The irony of the situation is that is now me.

The "Different World" Effect

2010-02-21T22:21:00.000-05:00

Last month TV-One started airing "A Different World" and I was ecstatic. I remember when this show first started, I was 7 years old and (somewhat) convinced that I was going to become a hair dresser when I got older. I had quite a few barbies and Cabbage patch dolls whose hair I would "fix" every Saturday. I would wash their hair, put in sponge rollers and mouse, and put them beside the "dryer" (which was really the heater in my bedroom behind my bed). All of my dolls had curly styles, I liked big curly hair!

When the show first started I was somewhat amazed. Black people in college? I mean, I wasn't stupid but come on. "Where dey do that?" I was not a fan of "Cosby show" because I didn't know any one like the Cosbys and they seemed like uppity negros to me. My favorite show as "Good Times" and mainly because they were poor and I was poor and it just seemed right. Despite not like Cosby and hating Rudy for having all that hair, I watched A Different World. Yes, I decided this. I have to admit, I didn't know what was going on. I just knew there was a lot of black people in college. Later I found out they went to a black school...a black school? AN HBCU! What? Hold on, you mean to tell me that black people founded their own colleges and universities?

I didn't truly get into the show until a few seasons later when I could fully comprehend what was going on, but I knew that I loved Whitley from the beginning. We had so much in common...she was who I wanted to be. She was lightskinned, with long pretty hair, fierce clothes and the best part...she was from Richmond (like me!!!). She was my hero. While all the other girls at school talked about Denise and Julissa, and hated on Whitley, I was secretly in love with her. So I decided then that I had to go to college and I was going to be just like Whitley.

In my room I'd put a towel on my head and I talked "extra" southern. I pretended to have a side kick like Millie, and swore that I'd have no man in "boudoir". I was going to have to learn French. Whitley spoke French and I love her. That bought me a little closer to my goal. And Whitley was mean...she is the OG of snark. She went in on everyone. I watched the show until the end. By then, I was 13 and I wanted to "help people". The original goal was to go to a black college and become a doctor. Oh how time changes things...

My life was a roller coaster from 1994-1998. The year I graduated from high school, I was no longer concerned with college, and sometimes I wish I had stayed in those cosmetology classes. My counselor convinced me to apply to a few schools, so I applied to 3. Two of those schools were HBCUs. I got accepted to all 3. Offered partial scholarships to 2 of them. It was okay tho, I had been saving money for college since I was 14. I found out a few weeks later that all of the money I had saved was gone (long story...) and I cried all night. I didn't have any money in the bank and no way to pay for college. I just KNEW it was too good to be true.

A few days later, I got a call from Morgan State. They wanted to give me a full scholarship: room, board, books and meals. I wouldn't have to pay for anything. My hands were shaking and I accepted. I got off the phone and cried again. This was a blessing. God is good.

I can't begin to describe what it was like for me at Morgan. It was truly "A Different World" and I was glad to be a part of it. It wasn't like the show, but it was close enough. I met some of my best friends there, I fell in love with a man there, I fought in the middle of a club there, and I got drunk at a Kappa party there. I didn't want to be Whitley anymore...I was happy being Stephanie. My life was it's own show.

And I was glad I was the star.

Re-LENT-less

2010-02-17T10:01:00.000-05:00

What is Lent?
Lent is the 40 leading up to Resurrection Sunday where followers of Christ take time to pray, fast, repent, and reflect. I hate the term "Easter" because there is nothing Christian about Easter (and truth be told, I think that added to my termination at my former job. I told them Easter was Pagan. Note to others: Do not talk about religion at work. Ever. ). Lent is technically 46 days but Sundays do not count because they are "mini Easters".

Lent in America starts on Ash Wednesday which is (today) February 17 this year. Passover Friday (the day that it is believed Yeshua died) is on April 3 and Resurrection Sunday is on April 5.

Last year for Lent I gave up Myspace. I was surprised at how easy it was. Myspace fell off a while ago and I was holding on to it like a child holds on to a raggedy teddy bear. Surprisingly after Lent was over, I logged on and was like not impressed. Now I probably log on once or twice a month because I do some work over there. Other than that, I am not interested at all.

This year I decided I need to challenge myself. I want to do the whole soda thing but honestly, that never works. The past few weeks I have been sick of meat. I go through phases when meat is no longer appealing or appetizing to me. However, I have not mastered the art of using vitamins and balancing my diet so that I won't go into anemic shock so for now, that's out. My best friend Pam and I are doing this "No Shopping" Challenge which lasts until March, but we will probably extend that for another month or so. I want to plan a nice trip to a beach for later in the year so that should be motivation to save more money.

I was debating back and forth and Pam tells me to give up one meat. And I am thinking about my elevated blood pressure (last I checked 125/90 which is pre-hypertension) and my high ass cholesterol (198 last time I checked, so it's getting lower) and figure that's probably for the best. I decided to give up Pork.

Pork chops is literally my favorite meal. I am in love with bacon. And any given day you can catch me smashing a hot dog with ketchup, mustard, and chili. But this isn't suppose to be easy. I love you pork but I love me more. So for my health and my faith, peace.

Just Because It's February 14:

2010-02-14T09:19:00.000-05:00

Oh yeah...Happy Birthday Thembi. I didn't forget.

"We Are the World" version 2.0

2010-02-13T10:11:00.000-05:00

Last night, "We Are the World" premiered and what can I say?
I actually watched the video/listened to the song about 5 times or so. The first time I heard it I was like WTF is going on here? I don't know where to begin...let me just list the atrocities:

1. Justin Beiber opens the song. (he can sing but really...)
2. Miley Cyrus literally YELLS the first part of the second verse
3. Jamie Foxx decided that since Ray Charles couldn't physically be there, he would go ahead and sing for him.
4. Janet Jackson. Did she even sing or was she just lip-synching her brothers part...and why did she have her own totally separate scene? Was she even there?
5. The rap break down
6. The auto toning
7. Wyclef changing "Haiti" with a silent H at the end
8. Tony Bennett doesn't even TRY to sing...I know he's a legend but dude literally just read his words off the page like he was doing a screen test)

The list could go on and on and on...but I digress. There was some shining moments in the song:

1. Pink...I liked her little part
2. Jennifer Hudson can sing!
3. Adam Levine...just because I really like Maroon 5.
4. Wyclef's Haitian singing on the first chorus.

That list doesn't go on.
Honestly it wasn't horrible. It was just like a shock. As soon as the rap came on, I had to run it back like "who the fuck..." and despite what I and several others think, that song will be #1 on Itunes if it's not already.
In case you missed it...

Text YELE to 501501 to donate $5
Text HAITI to 501501 to donate $10

www.yele.org

My Dream Honeymoon!

2010-02-11T18:37:00.000-05:00

A few years ago I had the pleasure of visiting Barbados. Barbados is interesting because it's an island that was completely formed by limestone coral rock. And its beautiful. The last time I went it was, unfortunately, for a funeral so I didn't truly get to enjoy the country side. I am always saying I will go back so when (if) I get married, this would be my dream honeymoon.

This time, I'd stay at resort near the ocean side. The ocean there is clear blue. I would jet ski for a couple of hours, then do a little parasailing. Top the day off with a chicken roti and the Bajan version of 7-Up. Most of my day would probably be spent lounging by the pool, getting tan, and drinking Bahama Mamas. But I would love to take in some of the sites that I didn't get to previously see.

Anywho...I am not getting married soon. But these couples are:

So go vote for them so they can win their dream wedding/honeymoon.

"I have been hired by Warner Bros WB Word division to raise awareness for Essence's Will You Marry Me? contest."

Why I use to love Ashanti...

2010-02-11T13:21:00.000-05:00

Ashanti first came on the scene in 2001 or so. I clearly remember when her album dropped. My girls and I had went to Miami for the first year of Bet's Spring Bling (don't judge me...) and I was a senior in college. Matter of fact, we took a mini van to Miami. We rolled deep. At first I was hating Ashanti hard ("that chick can't sing for shit..." and "her album is only $7 at Target so it CAN'T be good") but then we managed to get several "promotional copies" of Ashanti's album. The day we left Miami my homegirl Bubbles popped the album in and we listened from start to finish.

That joint was fire. I don't care what no one says. Ashanti can write a song and whatever it is she does, she does well. I was not a big fan of "Foolish" at first...but when this joint came on...I was like "run that joint back B..."

So Ashanti...I salute you. Your first two albums were dope to me.

Sunday Mornings...

2010-02-07T09:01:00.000-05:00

This is what it looks like outside of my house:

Beautiful right? I slightly feel sad for the trees because the snow and ice is so heavy that the trees along the side of the building have broken. Those branches you see hanging down are usually way out of reach.

I love Sundays because it's such a lazy day. Monday through Friday I am working. Saturday I am doing errands and the like. Sunday is the only day I really get to chill but it's short lived because I know the next day is Monday and I will once again be at work. Last night I had a dream I got in a fight with a guy who grabbed my butt on the bus. Random but not really. The last time my ass got grabbed by a random guy I punched the shit out of him in the middle of the club. Then he got kicked out of the club.

Let's Talk About It...

2010-01-27T21:43:00.000-05:00

or let's not. Which ever is fine.

Recently I have realized how horrible I am at communicating. I am not an eloquent speaker and the when I go to present, talk, share, or discuss...I have trouble putting the words together in a logical and reasonable way. In my head they sound excellent, but the moment I open my mouth I sound like a teenager who barely passed English. Even in topics that I am well versed in, I fail to get my point across and find myself extremely frustrated or repetitive. I use simple words, and I am straight forward. Normally this is not an issue. I am able to easily relate to the communities I work in because I keep it simple.

Lately I have been getting into trouble with my words. At work, my boss loves me but her boss wishes I was more professional in my speech. That's fine and understandable. I recognize my faults. At home, my simple compliments to my friends are taken as me being flirtatious or over board. I rejoice in my friends joys and I smile at them and send them well wishes. Yes I may say "You look great today!" but that's not an attempt to holla and have some type of hot wild sex on your living room floor. I recently apologized to one of my friends and his girlfriend (well...I told him but not her). Apparently I was overboard, not that he said something but someone else did. So I says "If I came across as trying to holla, it's not that." because I just truly respect this person and I am impressed by his (and her) genius. But I mean no harm...but apparently I am a flirt.

It somewhat bothers me to be misunderstood. I thought staying simple would get my point across better. It does not. It's actually quite the opposite. I find myself arguing with some random person once a week because of a "misunderstand" and what's more crucial is when this happens via the internet for several reasons.

1. It's never that serious.
2. Because in real life, you wouldn't pop shit.
3. It's never that serious

I use to cherish my written words thinking that my stories and poems had the power to paint beautiful pictures in a person's mind as they read them. I now think the opposite. I find it harder and harder to blog because I feel inadequate when I compare my words to others. But it's not a competition. But it is about me feeling like I am too young and that people don't take me serious.

I care just about as much as the next person. I may not be able to find the right words to express the sentiment I want to display but I have as much passion as the next person and will work as hard. And it's hard to keep your friends and your loved ones happy when they think you don't care because the moment you get frustrated with your words you hang up the phone or your curse (because that's always easier) or you shut down. These people don't understand...why should I bother right.

Ahh...but what's due? BETTER. (yeah Due: Better or Do Better) and I said at the beginning of the year that I all I wanted to really do this year was become a better person in all aspects of my life. So okay...I will work on my communication skills. Not only for myself, but for my job, for my friends, and my family.

I don't want to just prove others wrong about me...I want to prove to myself that I am not some hood ghetto girl with a degree who can't talk. (yes this is what a friend said about me...)

Essence Will You Marry Me Contest (part 2...)

2010-01-23T16:50:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: "I have been hired by Warner Bros WB Word division to raise awareness for Essence's Will You Marry Me? contest."

I have to include that disclaimer when I blog but don't get it twisted...I am so into this contests right now mainly because ya'll know I want to get married...and in Maui! WHAT!! Please let my boyfriend one day be this sweet and enter this contest so we can win a trip somewhere!

Right now I am feeling Irwin and Dewain!!

There story: Irvin Williams, 38, lives in Boise, ID, while his fiancee Dewain, 40, lives in New Orleans. Both are native to New Orleans. She is Dean of Student Affairs at Dillard and when they met, he was Director of Food/Beverage of a banquet hall. She was a client, using his space for an event. He donated champagne in exchange for a date. The relationship is now long distance; he was laid off and moved to Idaho for another position as Director of Concessions. The couple has been together for two years. Before proposing, like a gentleman, he consulted her friends.

And Derwin's proposal? I loved it...so emotional, so full of love. In his proposal he mentions how she stuck by him he lost his job. I was so impressed. And asking her friends first? LOVE IT.

Anywho...go to the site and read more about them here: http://www1.essence.com/packages/willyoumarryme/meetthecouples/IrvinandDewain/index.html

There are three other couples too that you can read on and vote for if you like them better. But I think after reading the stories, you will agree with me on Irvin and Dewain.

Supporting Local Black Business: Oyin Handmade

2010-01-21T20:05:00.002-05:00

After what seems like 100 years I finally decided to try out Oyin Handmade Products. I had heard a lot of great things about their products and since I am finally 100% natural I decided to go for it. Now don't get it twisted, the products are not exclusively for natural hair...it's just that I was going through an internal battle with myself and once I cut off all the straight hair, I could start new.

What I knew about Oyin was it was black owned and based in Baltimore. That's all I needed to know...I was off to the site. Now I must admit, as soon as I went to the site I was overwhelmed. Oyin is not just a "hair" store; they have items for your skin, your lips, and your babies. I decided to play it safe and get the 4 piece hair sample pack that included Greg Juice, Shine and Define, Honey Hemp, and Whipped Pudding. I have to say, shipping is not quick and I think that is because they are a small operation and they literally hand make every thing. I wasn't too concerned about that tho...everyone talks about the shipping when they review the products. It took about two weeks to get my order, I ain't mad at that.

Let me tell you something...this stuff smells GOOD (sorry for the bootleg picture but whatever...) I mean decadent. I was in love from jump. So let me go item by item.

1. Greg Juice: I like this. It's a spray for moisture. I used it on my afro and it stayed moisturized and soft. However with braids it wasn't as great. I really liked this product and it smells good.

2. Honey Hemp: Excellence. I used this as a leave in. When I was rocking corn rows, I took the mixtresses advice and put it on before I got in the shower so that it could pull from the hot shower and moisturize my hair. This is orangey smelling and nice. I didn't get a chance to use it as a deep conditioner and I feel bad about that. But I will purchase a big bottle of this and try it again.

3. Shine and Define: If you need to smooth down those unruly edges...this is for you. I have type 4 hair and with this, my hair was slick as a new born baby's! I found that it was also good for twist and braid outs. I would mix a little with the whipped pudding and used when I styled my hair. I find that the hold with this product is strong without being hard like gel. This whole bottle (they sent like a 2 oz one) is gone. I was using this like it went out of style.

4. Whipped Pudding: I want to eat this. It smells that good. I was in the bathroom like a feen smelling the bottle everyday. I used this for moisture also. When I was rocking the afro, I'd use it to twist and add a body to my hair. My hair loved this stuff! When I put this in my hair, my hair was like "what do you want me to do mami?!?" and would do what I loved. Let me give you an example of a three day old braid out using the shine and define mixed with Whipped Pudding:

That's with me air drying too. I don't put heat in my hair if I can help it.

Oyin does have a flagship store here in Baltimore located on North Charles Street, but their hours do not work for me (they are only open on Saturdays). However, I am pressed to go to the store so I might make that trip next week.

Overall: 5 out of 5 for the sample pack! LOL. I will give the other items a try and rate those later.

New Video: Clipse "Freedom"

2010-01-19T19:11:00.002-05:00

This is my favorite joint on this cd.

Martin Luther King Jr and Me...

2010-01-18T10:32:00.001-05:00

When I was growing up MLK Jr day meant "NO SCHOOL!!!" and I had bragging rights that my birthday was (sometimes) on the same day as MLK Jr day (such as this year...LOL). Every Friday preceding King's holiday, we'd watch the MLK Jr movie in English or history class. In my mind, the fact that my birthday was so closely related to his meant I was destined for greatness too, tho when I was younger this greatness was short lived as I barely could stand watching the many tributes to him on tv and preferred to watch "Ricki Lake" on my day off.

As I got older, I began to learn more about the man and myself. I could not aspire to do great if I didn't know the greats. The first time I was mad about my "black-ness" was when I first moved to Maryland and discovered that "African American History" was not requirement, let alone offered in my new high school. I had such an attitude about it and realized then that if I wanted to learn OUR/MY history, I had to go out and learn on my own. I opted to go to an HBCU my senior year in college, despite being offered a partial scholarship to a seemingly "better" school. I have never regretted my decision to go to Morgan State, despite what others may say. There black history was "required" for graduation and it wasn't a floater class...my professor wrote our text book and knowing about Black History Month would not get you a pass.

This is when I finally truly LEARNED about Martin Luther King Jr. I finally listened and comprehended what this man was saying in his "I had a dream" speech and read about his life and his fight for equality. One quote that always stood out to me was: "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." These words were powerful on many levels.

I will not bore people with long drawn out blogs on MLK Jr's greatness...I urge people to go out and learn more about this man on their own. It's not enough that I tell you about his marches, the non-violent resistance, or his messages...or anything. I am sure you have heard it all before. However I employ you to figure out the real reason why you celebrate today. Think about how this man died for our rights while you post "Happy Birthday MLK" on twitter and facebook.

In order to become great, one must do great things. Martin Luther King Jr did great things. And we will do great things to once we realize that we are the ones we've been waiting for.

Essence Will You Marry Me Contest

2010-01-16T18:26:00.001-05:00

Essence Magazine is offering men across the country the chance of a lifetime -- to surprise their girlfriends with a dreamy proposal in the pages of the magazine for its fourth annual Will You Marry Me? feature. Four special men have been selected to share their love story with more than 8 million readers, who will vote on their favorite couple and determine the winner of a dream wedding courtesy of Essence.

To learn about the contestants, view the proposal videos and picture galleries, and vote for your favorite couple visit the "Will You Marry Me?" homepage on Essence.com.

Each person that votes for their favorite couple can enter to win a trip a 4-night trip to Maui, Hawaii!

Legal Disclaimer: "I have been hired by Warner Bros WB Word division to raise awareness for Essence's Will You Marry Me? contest."

Doing Better....

2010-01-13T17:37:00.000-05:00

So I decided to challenge myself to read 100 books in 2010.
Simple right?!?

Well I will blog that seperately from here...so if you are interested: http://brainknowledge2010.blogspot.com/

And you can suggest books, read reviews, argue with me, agree with me, send me books, build and shit. All kinds of flyness.

It will be fun.

I am 29 going on 30...

2010-01-11T16:26:00.000-05:00

in exactly a week, on MLK day.
I am somewhat excited and somewhat not. Birthdays to me have never been great and I was hoping to make the big 3-0 a fantastic one but I am seeing right now that plans will not go through the way I hope. In December, I planned my whole birthday weekend down to the last minute because I just KNEW I was going in and now I am like oh well.
My birthday has never been awesome...I was just wishing/hoping/praying that I could make this milestone a great one. Maybe it's not meant to be? When I reflect back on my birthdays I feel so so about it. The one consistent thing is my mom and my sister taking me out to dinner or lunch. Other than that, it's a regular day. Let's reflect on my birthdays shall we?!?!?! (just the milestones...)

12 years old: Who knows what happened?
16 years old: Again, who knows what happened? Tho I vaguely remember being sick and laid up in my grandma's house
18 years old: Senior in high school. Pretty sure I was at a club in Baltimore (Lava Lounge?!) getting my party on and making dudes pay me $2 for my phone number.
21 years old: Junior in college. I was staying in the infamous Argonne (aka Thurgood Marshall). It was someone elses birthday this day and he was well known on campus. We went to some random club and I drank entirely too much this night. In a drunken stupor I told this guy that I loved him since the first time I saw him freshman year, to which he replied "I know." Bottles were popped and drinks flowed all night. This was an excellent birthday outside of me waking up with the worse hang over ever. However, I did get the guy. And I guess that's all that matters huh?
25 years old: Goodness...I have no clue what happened. Pretty sure I did nothing. I don't even think I was working at the time.
30 years old: ?!?! who knows?

What I do KNOW is that I don't want to be doing nothing. I am already pissed that my life plan did not work out the way it should have. Last year I was prepping to buy a house this year as a gift to myself. Now I will be lucky if I can buy myself a house by 35 years old.

I guess we will see what this weekend brings...

Why White People: Spitting on Others

2010-01-10T11:55:00.000-05:00

This is some white shit. Seriously. I have NEVER (never!) NEVER seen a black person spit on someone else. Why? Because spitting on someone is the most trifling, ignorant, low class thing ever in life to do to anyone. This is not to say black people don't do this...but I just NEVER seen a black person do this but I have seen countless white people spit on blacks.

The first time was in high school...my friends and I actually went to a club in Baltimore. Some argument ensued at the club and next thing you know, some white chick just spits in this latino girls face. Now I am shocked. I don't think I would ever think "yo, let me just spit in this girl's face to shut her the fuck up." And I swear I think I'd have to kill someone...(or just cut them badly)...if they ever fixed their mouth to gather up any spit with the intent to spit in my face. Actually a guy I dated in high school did try to spit on me once after someone peed on their car. He was becoming abusive...and I only hope his wife isn't getting her ass beat on the daily but I digress. This is a mess.

Spitting on someone basically means you have no respect for that person. How pissed must you be during an argument that the only recourse you have is to spit on them...and in their face? Apparently this is big on tv tho. We all remember the infamous Pumpkin spitting on NY. I still don't understand how Pumpkin is not in a cast somewhere...but I guess it's "staged" but there is no amount of money I'd ever accept to allow some one to spit on me like I am some shit on the street. People should really STOP worshiping money. Is it really worth losing your pride for $10K? (and I think I feel a certain way about white people spitting on minorities but that's another topic...)

The next season on Flavor of Love (or some other dating "reality" show VH1 put on) someone else spit on someone else. I am sure it happened quite frequently on VH1 but I am not to vested in spitting to look up all of the vidoes. (ironically: I am watching Sopranos and this chick Tracy JUST spit in dude's face because he called her a cock sucking whore). To add further fuel to the fire...this Tuesday on Real World: Washington DC, the white chick will spit in the black guy's face (they just had sex last week...so maybe that's what he's into).

I don't get it. How is this okay behave? How is this even an option? I just can't imagine thinking this is okay of cool. I'm venting. LOL. But seriously...this was a good idea? :

Throwback: Why I am NOT a singer

2010-01-05T16:08:00.002-05:00

go about 4 minutes into this video...(some of you saw this before but I know we need a laugh)

Self Knowledge is Key

2010-01-04T20:01:00.001-05:00

"My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge" - Hosea 4:6

The Henna Experience

2009-12-31T17:10:00.000-05:00

Two weeks ago I decided to use henna on my hair. And it was an experience to say the least. My hair is dark brown...not black. I did have highlights before but once I cut off all my relaxed hair, I was left with very dark hair. And I missed my once "red" hair that I had as a child. Being that it's the winter, I can't lighten it naturally by hanging out in the sun with conditioner and lemon juice in my hair so the next best thing Henna.

So first I mixed up a batch of Rainbow henna I got from Whole Foods. I mixed Henna and Apple Cider Vinegar and I let it sit over night. It starts off green, it should turn brown. The henna from Whole Foods comes in different colors, from a bright red to black (indigo actually). I chose a burgundy one. I used half the jar of henna and about 1/4 of the vinegar. I had to make a second batch actually because I didn't make enough initially. I added a tablespoon of Neutrogena Daily Moisture to "condition" even tho I am told henna conditions your hair. Also in that picture is Sauve Coconut Conditioner (.99 cents ya'll!!!) that I decided to use to wash out the henna.

So then I applied it to my hair. As you can see...it's all streaked up. That's because of the second batch. However, my curls "dropped" and were somewhat defined. I was shocked because I never can get my hair back in a pony tail like that on an average day. I actually put the henna on dry hair, and it was *somewhat* clean. I had washed it last week.

It sat on for 8 hours. I couldn't take the smell anymore so I washed it out. And let me tell you, washing henna out your hair is some bullshit. My whole bathrub was red-brown and my hair felt gritty. I was so annoyed with the smell that I actually WASHED my hair instead of just rinse and condition. So I used Sauve Coconut Shampoo and I smelled extra good. I had to wash my hair twice. Warning: if you wash your hair after you henna it, it will loose some of that color. So it didn't look like anything to me after I washed and conditioned.

A week later while in the bathroom my hair was doing something. I realize the henna did work but you can only tell in natural light. This is the best picture of it I can get:

Yeah I will henna again. It should get lighter as I attempt to do it more and more. And isn't my afro puff the bomb? My PNC said I should have done a front shot but the lighting was bad. I like it. If you want natural color, then go for henna. It's fun and messy. Sometimes an adult needs to be a kid.

Do Better 2010

2009-12-28T20:19:00.000-05:00

2009 is almost over. I can't believe it.
Next month I will be turning 30 years old. I am excited and scared at the same time. I will no longer be a "young" adult. I will just be an adult.

Reflecting back on 2009, I am amazed at how I survived such an emotional roller coaster. It started good, went down, up, down, up, down, and it's ending on a somewhat higher point. I have a great job and I accomplished several goals. I was able to pay down some debt (not as much as I hoped but I was unemployed, what can you do), I visited my friends in NYC, and I got to know me a little more. Last year this time my plan was to buy a house in Jan 2010...and unfortunately that will not happen. But it's okay. I am not pressed.

Right now I am looking forward to 2010. I want to make more advancements not only in my career but in my personal live both socially and financially. I will not make "resolutions" because those are hard to keep. I am just setting more goals for myself with the promise that I will follow through with all of them. (side note: if you are a Capricorn such as myslef, the next year is very pivotal to our development and growth. it will be as beneficial as we make it and I plan to make it big).

So the goals for 2010 are as follows:

Continue paying down debt (let's get a fico of 700 by the end of Dec 2010)
Increase my savings
Travel Internationally (Canada, Mexico, and any of the Caribbean count)
Go visit my NYC friends TWICE
Attend all of my friends weddings (I count about 3 that I need to attend)
Get my passport (okay okay...but i took the picture and filled out the application. I just have to go the post office and finish it so this is the easy one...)
Work out (I am about to be super sexy come June 2010 real talk...)

I purposely selected "positive" goals. I know I said this before but people tend to accomplish positive goals rather than negative ones.

Also...I finished my grant and the application. All that is left is to complete the recommendation and mail it. Inshallah I will get this money and achieve yet another (unspoken) goal of mine. I am proud of myself.

Procrasination is a mutha...

2009-12-26T20:14:00.000-05:00

I am so lazy.
I procrasinate until the very last moment and then I get it done. This is good and bad. It's good because when I am hard pressed for time I write my best stuff. It's bad because I end up staying up late and I often miss deadlines doing this.

Currently I am putting off writing my grant. I feel very bad about this because I am constantly saying "I am about to work on it" or something to that effect; and in essence, I am. The newest grant is I should be working on is a professional development one that is given out by my former grad school. It's not a lot of money but it's enough for me to join two organizations (which will boost my resume) and attend one national meeting (both of which are being hosted in Colorado this year). And it's not even a long grant. Two pages max with a copy of my current resume. But for some reason, I can't find the focus I need to actually WRITE out the 2 pages that are due by Jan 15. I did the budget. Money is easy. The essay portion is a mess. I started it three times and scrapped it. Add on the fact that I need a recommendation. My boss said "yeah gurl, write it and I will review it and sign it." So add another page that needs to be done in two weeks.

I will be beyond pissed at myself if I can't make this happen. As I type this blog I am thinking..."You really could be writing your grant instead" but I can't seem to start it correctly. I could try to write it backwards, but when I do that I lose consistency and flow.

According to psychologist, procrastination is a coping mechanism for stress and anxiety. I believe this. Sometimes it seems as there is so much pressure to complete or finish tasks that I can't focus or deal with it and would rather work on it later. It is also prominent in people who have ADD or ADHD. Now I was diagnosed with ADD as a youth but "grew" out of it (or did I?!?). At times I think I have Adult ADD because I am so easily distracted it's ridiculous.

So instead of writing the grant that can help me spice up my resume and better my professional standing, I choose to blog, twit, play sorority life on facebook, and work on ChaCha (which I've been bullshitting too...I do just enough to get paid each month).

Procrastination is a muthaf*cker.

"Life is a Beautiful Struggle"

2009-12-14T20:01:00.000-05:00

I randomly look at my blog tracker to see what brings people to my site. I don't pay too much attention to the places people come from unless they are in other countries...My #1 topic is "hip hop movies" (I am #5 if you google this topic). But today as I was looking I saw that someone googled "What does life is a beautiful struggle mean?" and this struck a cord with me.

I have never truly thought about what that means. I KNOW what it means inherently...that is why I named my blog what I did. But to try to explain to someone else...that's hard. I just know the first time I heard it I was like "Yes!" and held that phrase close to my heart. It wasn't just that name of Kweli's cd, it was my life. And I will admit, this is my favorite Kweli cd because it came out at a time when I was beyond hopeless and fed up with life. I was at the point where I couldn't see my life lasting longer than the moment I was living in. I wasn't suicidal, I didn't want to die...but I wasn't living and couldn't see myself living anymore. However, I met some great people who helped me a lot (tho they don't know it...they helped me reclaim my sanity by just being).

"Life is a Beautiful Struggle"....life is not easy. I don't know anyone who has ever said life was easy. That they never had any problems. I am sure there are people who have that type of life...but not anyone I know. A struggle is defined as "opposing force or an adversary" and to put it quite frankly. The purpose of life is to live...but the end result will always be death. Death is inevitable, however we love life. Life is great. We love living. We find enjoyment in the things we do from day to day despite the fact that we KNOW one day this will all end.

Personally my life has been hard. Very hard. I could tell stories or tales dating back to me being a baby to recently but I realize that focusing on those hardships will not help me move ahead. Despite the bad times, I wouldn't give up my life for anything (well maybe one thing...but that was another hardship that added to who I am today and why I do what I do). Essentially the phrase is simplistic.

Life is beautiful.
Life is a struggle.
Life is a beautiful struggle.

And this is my favorite song on the cd: Beautiful Struggle ("the trouble you have today you just can't laugh away")

Who taught you to hate yourself?

2009-12-13T17:47:00.000-05:00

Brother Malcolm tells it like it is.

The End of an Era...

2009-12-05T20:24:00.000-05:00

As of Friday, December 4 2009 @ about 5:30 pm, Steff is carless.
No car.
At all.
This shit sucks.

I already knew the car was on it's last leg. Every day I get in it begging it to work until January at least. I was really pushing the limits. In Feb, the mechanic told me I had about 10,000 miles left on the car before the engine was done. Then the rotors were fucking up. Then I found how much all that costs to fix and said hell no. Well...I didn't have a job so it really didn't matter.
Anyway, as I am driving home on Friday it makes this noise that I cannot describe. I hit the hazard button and stopped. I just sat there. Then I said "I can make it home, I am only like 3 miles from the house" and I was literally on the street I live on...just 3 miles down from my house. As I attempt to drive the remaining 3 miles, it's making this UNGODLY noise. I just knew it wasn't going to make it and then I see smoke coming from the passenger back side. I pull over and cut the car off. I then weigh my options...take a hack or walk home. The car is done for. I pack everything I had in the car (including the tags on the car) into my bag and make the decision to walk 3 miles home. I have no clue how the bus works...and didn't have cash. Hacking is only cool during the day time.
The two people I might could call were 30 minutes away...and I have my pride and I am an independent woman. Now I am slightly worried seeing as how there are some rapists on the loose in Baltimore. I grab my head scarf and wrap it as if I am Muslim. I have learned that guys in Baltimore will NOT bother a woman they think is a Muslim. And I proceed to walk.
And I am walking...my dad decides to be a jerk when he calls and hassles me about Thanksgiving. Now I am so in love with my dad but I literally wanted to cry and as I told him I was on my way home, he hung up on me. This pissed me off but I kept walking, silently thanking God for all those years of track and for the fact I carried my Aveeno bag to work (instead of my oversized Coach or other designer bag).

It takes me about 40 minutes to walk 3 miles. I stop at the local KFC and grab some dinner and my ass is cold, sweaty and tired. There is something about being cold and sweaty. I get home and try my best not to just lay down and cramp up. I walk around the house trying to bring down my heart rate, and I guzzle a jug of water. I realize walking is NOT the safest thing...but I really had no other options. It sucks not having readily available friends who live close enough and drive that I would not feel like I am bothering.

I abandoned the car. I figured since I stripped the tags and left it illegally parked, it will get towed soon enough. And whoever takes it can keep it. Good riddance.

Now I have to learn how to catch the bus until I can get a new car. Hopefully I can find me a nice "certified used" car by the end of the month. I could rent a car but that's a waste of money to me. And I could hack to work everyday but I would rather have a reliable hack that I could use everyday.

*sigh* As SOON as I get money this shit happens. It figures

EDIT: I realize people not from Baltimore may be confused about what a "hack" is. In the most simple terms, an illegal cab. Read about hacks here: http://www.citypaper.com/news/story.asp?id=6264

The Black Friday Experience

2009-11-29T10:51:00.000-05:00

For the first time in over 5 years I decided to do "Black Friday". Now I had everything planned in my mind and I had stacks of coupons in my oversized Dooney and Burke bag ready to go. I actually started shopping this past Tuesday on Amazon and managed to get one book (urban literature; I am so ashamed) and two DVDs ("Maria full of grace" and "I am Legend") for less than $20. This was a great deal. "I am Legend" was only $2 brand new, widescreen edition.

As soon as midnight hit on Friday, I saw some online deals that looked great. I only bought from one place, Philosophy. Paypal makes it incredibly easy to spend more money than you should. I bought body wash and lip gloss for a flat fee (free shipping) for $10.

I got up late to go shopping at the mall (around 8:00 am). I get to the mall and it's like a regular Saturday. It was no types of packed or anything. The busiest store was Chikfila. I thought maybe everyone shopped early since the mall opened at 6 but I overheard one of the cashiers at Express say that they could let some people go home early because it's dead. There was this sexy black dress at Express I wanted. It costs $120 and you could get 30% off. I tried to justify this purchase in my mind but my ass doesn't go anywhere so I didn't buy it. I buy my sister's present from the mall, but that's really it. I wanted to exchange this bra I bought in NYC but Vikki's didn't have the bra and I wasn't going to return it for $3. (I had used a good ass coupon on the bra)

My next stop is Target. I actually spent a nice chunk at Target. I bought baby stuff for my cousin's baby. Girl baby outfits are beyond cute and I went in. And I got some Nuks for her. I love how cute nuks are. For myself I got a shirt. And a mirror for my house so I can see how I look when I am working out. (HEY!!!!!) and a box of Pepperidge Farm Gingerbread cookies that I have smashed already.

In the midst of all this, I go to the bank and complete my credit card application (I was approved! Let's continue to improve the credit into 2010) and upgrade my checking account to a more premiere one. I felt good about those positive steps I am making to get financially sound again. I am planning on another financial blog soon to give some advice (not professional, just things I learned) before December is over. It will update on everything I have done since I made the Do Better Blog.

Overall...the day was semi-productive. I think I could have stayed home and worked. I actually got back in the house by 1 pm. But I could have just stayed in the bed and shopped online instead of venturing outside.

Movies You Should See: Precious (by Sapphire)

2009-11-22T19:22:00.000-05:00

I know I know...you have probably already ready 50-11 reviews on this movie. Well here is another one. Mine is most important. I will try not to spoil the movie for people.

First off this movie is based on the book "Push" by Sapphire. The book is a heavy read and does not back down to harsh realities. A lot of people I know who dislike this book claim that it's "unrealistic" and/or "very negative." The book does not have a traditional happy ending. I will even compare it to "The Color Purple" where Celie suffers many injustices in her life but the book ends with her getting back her children and Celie and Mr being friends. (Yes, they are friends...did you read the book? Reading is SO "fun"damental!) This book just ends; and it leaves many readers dissatisfied because it has been etched in our minds that books should end happily. Well life is not always happy; sometimes it's all you can do to survive.

However, I disagree with those who think the book is too sad. There is a progression that Precious goes through from the beginning of the book to the end. The book does not end how you may want it to end but ends with "hope". And that is hope that Precious will keep striving to provide a better life for herself and her kids.

The movie is incredible. A lot of reviews I read said it was graphic and upsetting. I am assuming that the people who say that did not read the book. There were several scenes they down played in the movie that could have been traumatizing (i.e. the numerous rape scenes, the scene when Precious has "mongo", and the scene between Precious and her mother on the couch). I find the scenes with Precious and her friends at the alternative school and at the hospital after she has Abdul to be uplifting and inspiring. I do wish there had been a scene where they told the back stories of the other girls because they all had their own pain and struggles. I was slightly upset that Blue Rain was not cast properly but I do not believe it takes away from the movie. I do feel that casting her as a dark skin woman with locs would have ADDED more to the movie; but the movie is more complex than just race issues. One line that made me smile was when Precious realized that Blue Rain was a lesbian and she says her mother says gays are bad but Precious says "lesbians not the ones who raped me (parapharsing)". I did hate the fact that she stole a whole bucket of chicken when in the book it was a 2 peice meal. I mean I guess they wanted to really illustrate the whole "obesity" issue. And I loved Monique's extra ass Baltimore accent "Bitch don't nobody want YEW!"

This movie deals with a lot: incest, teen pregnancy, abuse (physical and sexual), color issues, illiteracy, obesity...and more. Precious is the girl down the street who every one picks on. She is the girl who people turn their nose up at because she is so dark and fat. She is the girl who I cried for in the middle of the movie. She is the girl I will continually pray for every night. There are real life Preciouses (is that right? LOL). I know one personally, and I will not go into the details of how I know her, but I do know that she was picked on for being different and keeping to herself when the truth of the situation was deeper than anyone realized. I probably know more but will they ever admit to what happened? Of course not, especially if their own mothers allow them to be raped.

I think this is an important movie for everyone to see. People should not be put off by Tyler Perry and Oprah's names (I don't get the TP hate at all...). Their names were added AFTER the movie received rave reviews at Sundance. And if Monique does NOT get the nomination for Best Supporting Actress, then it's racism because she killed that role. So much so, in the scene where she is talking to the social worker, I cried. And in the book I was like "fuck this bitch" but I CRIED hearing the words on screen. It was heavy.

4.5 stars out of 5.

Things I learned on my random trip to NYC

2009-11-21T11:22:00.000-05:00

I went to NYC for a few days this week.
Now I am home and I am somewhat sad about that. I love NY. I don't know why. I guess because I always wanted to live a "fast" life. I debated making a day by day blog about my experiences but decided that no one wants to read all that so I will just list out all the things I learned in NYC.

*3 or 4 days in NYC is not enough: My plans changed each day. I did not get to see half the people I wanted or go to half the places I wanted. I did see the MOST important people to me in NYC and that was nice. It was like "Girlfriends" mixed with "Sex in the City." Now I realize that if I lived there, I will either be broke or drunk. Or both. If I could find a job making $70K, I will go. Seriously. Maybe only for a year.

*Umbrellas are so necessary: It started raining on Thursday as I walked my happy ass from 34th to 42nd. Everytime I come to NYC, it either rains or snows. I need to keep an umbrella on me at all times.

*Subways!!!!: Okay this is two fold. One part is I need to buy myself a rolling suitcase. Second is that the subway system is nice. Okay many NY-ers don't understand what it is like to have to NEED a car in order to go places. If I could catch the subway in Baltimore, I wouldn't own a car. For what? The money spent on buying a car, insurance, and the upkeep is ridiculous and I'd rather use that money paying off debt and travelling. But alas, I learned how to take the subway and I won't even tell you how Katie and Karen didn't tell me that C train runs express and doesn't stop at 23rd so I had to hop off and run around the station like a fool until I heard the A train say next stop 23rd and I ran on that like a crazy woman. But I must look SO NYC because quite a few ppl asked me for directions. And I gave them out.

*Obama has his own condoms: For those "hard times", we all need a "stimulus package" because "hope is not a form of protection" (and sry for the dark picture. I fixed it in Picasso but I can't find it. Oh well).

*Art means different things to different people: My best friend wanted to go to MOMA, I wanted to go to BAM. I sent her a link to BAM. We decided on BAM. We get there and she is upset that there is no "art" and we have to go to MOMA next time. I was confused. Apparently "art" to her is "paintings." She didn't bother looking at the link I sent her for BAM; and she must not have looked at the one for MOMA either because they don't have a lot of paintings. Either way, I am not a painting from Europe watching girl. I prefer my art to be from Africa, South America, Asian, and I like to my "paintings" to be in "picture" form. LOL. I loved the museum. Pictures will go up on my facebook.

That was it in a nutshell. I loved my visit, upset that I couldn't see everyone. I will come back to see you guys! (if you are reading which you should because I am soooo Gucci). I am going to try to go back in a few weeks. I'd like to go back for New Years (I am such a tourist); but maybe my NY/NJ girls will come to DC for New Years and we can party there instead. I did get to see "Precious" and that will be a seperate blog because I have a lot to say about that movie.

Because I MUST rep VA all day

2009-11-16T11:54:00.000-05:00

If you tell me this song is wack, I don't fuck with you no more. Clipse is one of the best groups that has dropped in the last decade. Pusha T flow is crazy. Malice keeps it real. Come on now. And they from my state?!? What...(yes I still rep VA. I mean I rep Baltimore but Virginia is home).

Because I know we're going to make it...

2009-11-11T12:50:00.001-05:00

Books You Should Read: Medical Apartheid By Harriet Washington

2009-11-07T17:28:00.000-05:00

This is NOT easy reading. This is NOT light reading.
This is NOT a fiction book to read while you are chilling in the tub.

This is someone's thesis.

Medical Apartheid is a historical journey on the treatment of Black Americans from Slavery (Colonalism) to Modern time. It explores how people of color were often times used, abused, and treated as side shows all in the name of medical science. This book is exceptional.

It took me almost a year to read this book. It's 404 pages (512 including the sources that Washington listed), but is very complex. I read chapter by chapter and took breaks in between. The book inspired me to want to learn more about certain situations that had previously happened to slaves. Washington touches on various topics from sick slaves being sold to hospitals for research to black freedman being used to rob black graves for cadavers for white medical students to the Tuskegee experiment and on. I became very intrigued with the chapters on slave women and fistulas. I will save my readers on the graphic details of what a "fistula" is but to hear the pain endured by women was enough to make me put the book down for weeks. The book also sheds light on experiments being conducted on prisoners in jail, and how many men are forced to be a part of many clinical trials. These trials do not end well. Like I said, this is not easy reading.

One of the most interesting non-publicized "research" experiments touched on in this book is Planned Parenthood. Yes, everyone's favorite cheap spot for birth control and quick abortions began as a low cost clinic for black women. The aim was to allow cheap birth control and abortions for black women to essentially eliminate the black race by preventing births. (I am simplifying the chapters but this is it basically). Washington even breaks down the plan to use black leaders that our community would trust to lure black women to their facilities.

Now Planned Parenthood has gift cards! Nothing says I love you like a gift card to an abortion clinic.

But I digress. This book is a must read for anyone interested in the medical field. I think it sheds light on the reason why there is such a big disparity in health care between caucasians and african americans.

Bored and Tired

2009-11-06T21:09:00.003-05:00

I feel like I haven't been blogging properly lately. It's hard because after work, I come home and work out and eat. After I eat, I get online to do my part time job for a few hours. It's very hard to blog while I am working, so I forgo it. I have managed to do bullshit blogs about random things but there are a lot of heavy things I want to talk about.

I just lose motivation and maybe I am outgrowing the internet. I log on twitter, and I stay on less than 10 minutes. I might tweet a few folks but then I am like "whatever...this is not popping" and go to Facebook. Facebook keeps my attention long enough for me to play Mafia Wars and then it's back to work.

I have a lot of things on my plate. I am focusing a lot of my attention on paying off this last credit card by the end of December. I have another debt with the state that I will pay off within a year I pray, and then the last few payments on this car so I can get right and buy a new one. On top of that, I am still trying to save for Africa 2010. (Apply for my passport next week! I need to remember to take a picture WITH my glasses this time)

I started thinking about moving again.

I will be in NYC in less than 2 weeks. I am hoping to get up with a lot of people, break bread, and start networking to see what it's like.

So please don't think the bullshit blogs mean I have fallen off. Well...that's what it kinda means.

Just know that I am busy focusing on me and doing big things. I have a lot of goals to meet by the end of the year and I really want to make it happen.

Stay Blessed.

Sneak Peak: The Princess and the Frog

2009-11-02T11:01:00.002-05:00

Here are the first five minutes. It is still 'rough and dirty' but I am already in love. And can I tell you I laughed so hard at the little African American child saying 'Oh no I'd never kiss a frog!' and the little Caucasian girl saying 'I'll do! I'll kiss anything!!!'.

Good Times. Dec 11, 2009

Sephora: "Ooh La La La"

2009-10-25T14:15:00.005-04:00

So last month I won a $100 gift card to Sephora for some contest they had that involved rating products. I know some of you will say "Steph, you don't wear make up!" and you are right. But I am a product junkie. I love body wash, lotion, lip gloss, all types of hair stuff and my new obsession: Nails (I am trying hard NOT to blog each time I do my nails like the nail girls to! but I have almost perfected this one type of manicure and might have to put it up).'

Anywho...a week after I get the card Sephora's Friends and family started (20% off your purchase: FF2009 exp. 11/02/2009) so I almost lost my mind but I managed to say at around $115. So here is a run down of what I just had to have:

1. Fekkai Glossing Creme: For the flat iron. I can't get my ends very straight and flat. I was told I need a good pressing creme so we will see.

2. Opi Top Coat: Opi polish requires OPI top coat

3. OPI 6 pack: That black box has 6 polishes in it (silver, gold, two reds, a dark pink red and purple). After I do this umbre manicure, I might post up all my polishes which is reaching upwards of 50 but is no where NEAR what other ladies have.

4. Sephora Cuticle Oil: Vitamin E for the cuticles since I do at least 2 polishes a week

5. Philosophy Merry Cherry Christmas: This smells really good, it does NOT taste good. Trust I know for a fact. But it can be used as a bubble bath, body wash and shampoo.

6. Stila mini pack: 3 lip glosses! Stila last a long time for me so even tho these glosses are mini, I got them lasting a few months which is fine. The brownish color is more nude on my lips with a slight glimmer which I really appreciate. I want to make out with myself when I look in the mirror.

7. Bliss Naked Body Butter: this is heaven in a bottle. It's "naked" so that means sans colors and frangrance. It's a heavy body lotion/cream/butter but its moisturizes like nothing else I ever used. I prefer to use this after exfoliating because it locks in that moisture for an extra soft feel but it's on the expensive side. No one in my house can use this lotion period. Unless you putting it in. You MUST have $5 on it. (okay it's not that expensive but this is not an everyday lotion so I will fight people who use this casually)

8. Free Samples: Ojon misting spray, Frizz shampoo and conditioner, Clean perfume, and bvlgari refresing towel. The best part of Sephora is getting 3 free samples each order! The Ojon was my perk for spending $100. I have to admit I am not a big fan of this mist. And really the only thing from Ojon I love right now is the restorative mask but Oyin's whipped butter may take the place of it very soon (Oyin smells really good too but I didn't taste it yet).

I am thinking of one more order before the sale is up. I have been spending entirely too much money since I officially started my new job (boots, clothes, make up, video games) and I am somewhat ashamed. I did pay all my bills first so it's not like I am acting crazy, but still.

I feel very girlie now.

The Halloween Blog

2009-10-21T20:50:00.004-04:00

Last Halloween I talked about the haunted doll in my grandmother's house (located on myspace and I don't feel like looking for it now). This one is about: Sleep Paralysis and my last experience with it.
so if you don't know: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_paralysis

breakdown: basically when your mind wakes up but your body doesn't.

Okay so it was in the summer/fall of 2006. I was in my apartment and it was pretty late. Now I sleep upside down in my bed, my feet at the head and my head at the feet. I do this so I can look down the hall in case someone breaks in. Now this is slightly crazy since I have an alarm and I keep it on "no delay" (which means that it should go off as soon as someone breaks in). Anywho, I'm sleeping.

Approximately 2:30 am in the morning I wake up and realize I am paralyzed. I am slightly annoyed, but this has happened to me since I was a child. I was about to "break" out of it when I realize there is commotion in my living room. My eyes cut to the left and I see a squirrel running around the living room, up the wall and across the ceiling. I think to myself "this isn't right. How did a squirrel get in my house?" and then I see "it".

"It" was like a shadow man. A tall dark figure and he comes out of the hall closet and stands there for a moment. He was in all black and had on a black hat. I was suddenly overwhelmed by fear. This man had come to take my soul. Not my life...just my soul. He goes into the bathroom and I quickly cut my eyes up and being my prayers. Now the only way I can break out of this condition is to pray to God. But as soon as my eyes focus, he is standing over me.

I stare in horror, frozen in sleep. Tears run down my face and in my mind I beg him to let me be. In my mind I am screaming to God to save me, that I did not want to be a bad person. I have never felt so scared in my life. I was upset and I go into the "Lord's Prayer." The figure leans down over me and he is like smoke...just a dark shadow. Right before he falls into me, a light shines and I wake up screaming.

I am soaked with sweat. I am crying and shaking. I turn on the lights, and hesitantly go into the bathroom. I wash my face and change clothes. And I pray.

I have not had an episode since then. Well not a "real" one. I have had dreams that I am sleep and in my dream I wake up in sleep paralysis...but it's a dream right? In one of my dreams, I see the culprit of these episodes and I asked her "Why would you do this to me?" and she just looked at me and left me alone.

And that was the end.

I don't know much about sleep paralysis. I know how it was as a child. This was not the same. While the episodes are scary, I have never felt full of fear. This had me NOT wanting to sleep. And my old "dream-catcher" was no where to be found. This could drive a person insane.

I want to blame this on my fascination with horror movies...especially religious ones that deal with the fight between good and evil. However there are things that can not be explained in this world. And if you believe in God, you should believe that good and evil are fighting on this world for your (ours.mine.) soul.

Happy Halloween

Why would you want to go to Africa?!?

2009-10-10T21:19:00.002-04:00

I think the better question is: "Why wouldn't you want to go to Africa?"

It amazes me that I tell people of my plans to go to Africa in 2010 I hear "Why would you want to go there?" And this is from African-Americans (or black Americans...whatever you like to call yourself). My best friend and I have been discussing how to practice our French and she suggested Paris, to which I agreed. But then I thought...there are french speaking countries in Africa (20 countries that I can name). And I bet you any one of those countries is 100 times better than Paris. But apparently there is something "wrong" with Africa.

I remember when I was in high school in Richmond VA. There was a class on Black History. I was beyond excited to take it...unfortunately the year that I had the class on my schedule, we moved to Maryland. My new school in Columbia looked at me like I was crazy for wanting to take a black history class. See Virginia is special. The history class there is like Virginia history. I hadn't taken US History so the school in MD was like "oh no, we don't have that plus you didn't even take US History. Sorry."

I was blessed to go to an HBCU. At Morgan, the African Diaspora is a required class. In a nut shell, this class explores the "migration" of Africans from Africa to America. A lot of focus is put on the Middle Passage; and I am grateful it was mandatory. But you know what is funny...White Americans can learn of their heritage and the next summer, they are taking trips. They trace their roots and go.

Maybe this is the issue? A majority of black Americans can not trace their roots. Great grandparents is as far as many of us can go. The stories of our ancestors are not written down but past down by word of mouth, and names and dates often get confused. It's significantly harder for a black american to trace their roots to a tribe/country in Africa and therefore, many feel a disconnect to the motherland. I understand.

However...I found this...so if anyone is curious as to why it's Africa (specifically Ghana) 2010 I will point them in the direction of this video:

Blessed Sundays...

2009-10-04T16:48:00.004-04:00

October has been wonderful and a blessing already.

The last few months have been overwhelming. Being unemployed, and having no money has taken a toll on me physically and mentally. I am the only one who looks out for me in most aspects of my life. I take care of me and here comes this threat to my livelihood. All I knew was that I had 26 weeks to get right. Living off unemployment for the past 5 months has taught me a lot! Mostly that materialistic things are not as important as we sometimes make them. I have struggled before...this time was just different because I literally had nothing else going for me. I was not in school like last time and my family that could help me was in jail. So I had to figure this out on my own with no help from anyone. But I focused, and I prayed.

I knew things would work out...it's all about WHEN will things work out. The longer I was unemployed, the more scared I became. I trust in the Lord, but there were still times when I'd be like "God I can't do this! It's hard!" but I focused.

The first week of October was overwhelming in a good way. I was offered 3 jobs this past week. THREE. One of them was a full time position at the place I currently work part time for. The position is better than anyone I ever had and it pays well and I can stay working in Baltimore City and with this community. I can continue working with pregnant moms (mostly teens) and babies in Baltimore City. I am so excited. I am formally accepting that job tomorrow. The other two were good jobs. But not in what I wanted to do and/or not the pay that was reasonable to me.

The Lord is good all the time.
I prayed on this and worked hard and I got it.
It's all a blessing.

So for all my people in the struggle! lol....

Let me give you some advice...

2009-09-27T15:43:00.002-04:00

...how about you don't?

I am not interested in "your" advice on anything in regards to me and/or any situations past, present or future unless it personally involves you.

I don't understand why people feel the need to give you advice that you did not ask for or to try to point out what they think is "the obvious". And I hate it when people try to tell you what you *should* do, when what they *should* do is shut the entire fuck up.

Okay let me back track...the other week I went out with some friends and saw some people. One person kept trying to tell me about MY life and what I should do, to which I said "My life is complicated and I don't expect you to understand, so just KNOW that I know." and I kept it moving. This is my "leave me alone" statement. I am damn near 30. I am fully aware of how my life is and what's going on. I don't need people who have their own fucked up lives to tell me how to fix mine. But this person persisted to a point where I no longer enjoyed their company and was ready to go home.

Then there is the unwanted relationship advice from people who have never had a successful relationship. Every time I see you, you with someone new. Or you having babies with someone you knew for less than 6 months. Or your man is cheating on you. Or some bullshit. Let me tell you...if you are not currently in a successful, committed, married (yes, married), happy relationship then you can't tell me how to find the right one.

Then last week I mention that the recession has messed up my shopping. Then quite a few males chime in with the "you ladies need to find a good man to buy you things."

PAUSE.

That's what a good man does? He buys you things? Really? Because if that is so, I had a "good" man who bought me a house, a car, and anything else I wanted...and that "good" man also cheated with several women. I ain't bitter tho, that's how life is. I learned alot and I moved on.

And from what I hear, one of the people who said this to me who claims to be a "good" man has 5 kids with 5 different women. (hmm...commitment issues maybe?!?!) and from what my girl told me, women would randomly pop up at his house while she was visiting him.

That's a good man?!?! Please God, send me one of those!

Look I do for myself. I handle my shit myself. And outside of me, the only others I can depend on are my family and my best friends (this is only 4 people who TRULY fit in this category). I may not have a lot but this shit is all mine!!

Those two degrees I got: I worked my ass off for a scholarship and I paid for that Masters myself.
The car I got: I bought it.
The apartment: I got that myself after i moved out that nice house!
Anything else: It's all me.

My life is MY life, and I would like to thank everyone for their concern on matters they nothing of...but really: You don't know anything. There are very few privy to my total life situation.

I am working on ME right now...so let me give you some advice: Miss me with YOUR advice if you cherish the little bit of contact that we have.

Girlie Blog: Neutrogena Triple Moisture DD Condtioner

2009-09-26T16:33:00.003-04:00

The DD stands for: Daily Deep.

So if you are following my hair chronicles, you already know that the Neutrogena was recommended from Total Beauty. I got a bottle a few weeks ago for about $6 from Kmart. I finally got to try it last week.

The product boosts that it is a "daily conditioner with deep moisture benefits for soft, smooth, totally touchable hair" and it contains olive, meadowfoam seed, and sweet almond.

After washing my hair twice (once with Creme of Nature and then with Tresemme Moisture Rich), I covered my hair with this conditioner and proceeded to go to the grocery store. It was on my hair about an hour. I don't use heat for my deep conditioners because it tangles my hair.

Let me just say...I am in LOVE with this stuff already. It smells good...I can't describe the smell, but it's good. It's not too thin and not too thick. It covers the hair nicely and evenly. The draw back is that I used 1/3 of the bottle on my head. But that's okay, I have a lot of hair all over the place.

Once I rinsed it out, my hair was very soft (but not mushy) and smooth. As my hair dried, the curls were soft and fluffy (my hair is like sticking your hand into a bag of cotton balls). Like my hair was so soft I had to make sure it was MY hair. The curls were nice little circles at the end. Again I have super small curls but this helped with some definition. And my hair felt moisturized, it didn't feel hard or stiff once it dried. If my hair is already this soft and moisturized after one use, think what it will do for weekly uses?

I give this product a 5/5 and I am not even that generous. It's affordable and it works wonders! If you can find a coupon for Neutrogena products, it will be even cheaper. You do NOT have to pay salon prices to have salon quality products.

There are still good people in the world...

2009-09-24T21:18:00.003-04:00

don't ever forget this! If you don't know any good people, I would suggest you take a good look at yourself to see what it is you are doing to attract the wrong type of people. Goodness attracts goodness.

I was just reminded of this last week.
I won't get into personal details but there was a call put out there that a young child with cancer was in need. It wasn't a big need to be honest. The young kid is going through chemo and is now allowed to wear hats to school. He wanted hats. I couldn't provide a hat despite the fact that I wanted to. The hats I have are dirty and too big, and to be honest...I wanted this kid to have a cool hat. I hate it when people give away bullshit items. Like if you DON'T want it what makes you think that someone else wants it? I do give away a lot of my things but I give away nice items that are in good condition that are still wearable/usable.

Either way things came together on OKP. One of the nice posters over there just got a shipment of hats in for his store (how perfect is that?!?!) so I asked him "can you donate one hat to a cancer kid?" Now this guy doesn't know me personally (IRL) nor does he know the beneficiary of said hat but he agreed. And he sent the perfect hat!

How awesome is that?!?! (yes I said awesome). The mother was ecstatic and said that the hat was perfect for her son. Her emails and his inboxes bought tears to my eyes. He was so happy to help, she was so happy to receive help.

he did not have to help. but he did. I am forever grateful for that. Next time I am in Chicago, drinks are on me.

I am also grateful to all of the people who donated school supplies!!! My next stop is taking all these books in my house (the children's books I have from when I use to teach) to the Baltimore City library. so new challenge: if you have any books that you don't read, don't want...whatever: Donate them to your local library or school (school libraries need books too!).

Also...if you shop at Giant, don't forget to sign up your school under your club card. Giant donates money and supplies via A+ bonuses and the like. So at least you can grocery shop and help out if you can't donate.

The Ecstatic Tour (9/16/2009)

2009-09-20T00:16:00.005-04:00

Wednesday was the second to last stop of Mos Def's Ecstatic Tour. I am so happy they came to Baltimore because I missed the DC show a few months ago, and I was quite sad about that. For this show, my concert partner Sam and I got back in action and went out to Sonar (with her husband Jovan). (EDIT: the sound was only horrible where I was standing but I am not editing this whole post...the videos at the end sound good)

The show was at Sonar and doors opened at 7:30. I got there at 9 only to be told that Mos Def is not performing until 12. I assumed that Kweli would go on first, and that would be at 11. *sigh* It was definitely going to be a long night.

Anywho, the first performer was a dude named Hassan. I am sure I am spelling it wrong because I can't find him on google. Honestly I don't know who he is, and I came in after he started. Let me say, he was spitting some good shit but the sound in Sonar has gotten HORRIBLE. I couldn't hear half of what he was saying.

Next up was DCQ of Medina Green. This was promoted as being a "Medina Green" Act but it was just him. He was decent. I don't know the names of any of the songs he did, but he did kill what I could hear. Sorry I can't do better.

Next was Jay Electronica. I won't lie: I was hating on the player all day about him. Last time I saw him at Rock the bells, he was not great. He was decent, but not great. Dude straight up killed the show this time. I was shocked. I was like ORLY?!?! He went in. Again too bad the sound was all types of fucked up.

Next was Talib Kweli. Excellent as always. He stays going in. Most of the songs he played where from the last album, but he did do "Hostile Gospel" (my fav) and he ended with "Get By".

Then finally...Mos Def. He came out and played the drums. I would dare to say that he performed the whole Ecstatic Album. I still don't understand how people like that album but hate The New Danger. He did do "Close to the edge" off that album. U R The One from True Magic. Kweli comes back out and he does "Definition" and some other joint (horrible horrible sound...I went deaf by this time). He then does a "tribute" to Michael Jackson and sings "Billy Jean" (video at the bottom). He does a small rant on how Kanye is his brother and that he doesn't deserve to be crucified. Etc, Etc...he ends with "Umi Says."

All for $40.

4.5 out of 5. Best show I have went to in a while (shit...the only show I went to in a while...).
I didnt take a lot of pics because for some reason tall ass dudes love to stand in the front so I can't see. If you follow me on twitter, I think I tweeted a few. Facebook has some too.

Mos Def performances

Carol's Daughter and Disney!

2009-09-14T19:39:00.005-04:00

How cute is this? Disney commissioned Carol's Daughter creator, Lisa Price, to make the hair care products for Disney's new movie, The Princess and the Frog. I find this beyond cute! I know when I go into Target, I always see other "princess" products. And it's nice to see that Disney realizes that black girls have different hair and they need their own products! The collection consists of a detangler, shampoo, conditioner, and bubble bath!

The products are set to be released in October and will be available in Disney stores and Carol's Daughter's online store. I think Princess Tiana is absolutely beautiful! And I saw an extended preview earlier and fell in love (sorry no link...they swear us to secrecy!). I think this is a great idea and all of the products are $10 and below! I don't have a daughter but if I did, I buy this off GP. I want Disney to know that black products and a black princess sells! I hope to see many Princess Tianas this Halloween!

author note: I am not turning this into a hair blog! This is like a hair, beauty, life, and hip hop blog in one. Actually some random things are coming up soon...and I hope that you enjoy them as they come!

Grey is my favorite color

2009-09-13T20:43:00.003-04:00

Random fashion pieces that I fell in love with while on Polyvore searching "grey" pieces. Grey became my favorite color a few months ago. I am in love with the fact that it's neutral and goes with lights, darks, and white. I am not a polyvore expert, so my creations are not all excellent. You know what upsets me...that "love" ring. It's almost $300. Damn. Either way I love Polyvore. You should check it out.

Grey by lovelyone80 featuring Marc by Marc Jacobs

America's Next Top Model Cycle 13

2009-09-06T18:39:00.004-04:00

I am so excited. I havent' heard ANYTHING about this season except it's the "short" season, meaning all of the girls are under 5'7. Now I initially read on Long Hair Care Forum that they only picked girls who are around 5'5-5'7. This apparently is not true. Sundai, one of the 4 or 5 black girls (that last one I am iffy about what her race) is 5'3. I don't know about the rest, I haven't been able to actually watch all of the casting videos on CWTV (NOTICE: this is the only show left on CW with black people outside of the one black guy on 90210. That's fine CW).

Either way the new season starts on Wednesday, September 9, 2009. Two hour special. I am not yet tired of ANTM but I am hoping it redeems itself this season like Real World just did with its' Cancun season.

The infamous group shot:

From left to right: Sundai, Nicole, Laura, Erin, Lulu, Jennifer, Brittany, Courtney, Bianca, Rae, Kara, Ashley, Rachel, Lisa

(picture and photo courtesy of http://blog.zap2it.com)

of course, read/watch more about the girls at: CWTV.com (no link from me! LOL)

The most romantic moment in my life...

2009-08-31T09:26:00.004-04:00

I was enthralled in fantasy this past week. I have a tendency to want to romanticize my life. I am waiting on that epic love story to happen...I am being a typical woman. No I am not waiting to be saved, but I am waiting for that moment when nothing else matters. It's hard because I want a man who has it all, because I want it all and will give my all. However, my fantasies are full of romance and love and sensual moments shared between me and *whoever* I am fancying at the moment. Once I no longer can see you in my fantasies, I no longer want you. Is that horrible?

Anyway this past week I have been recounting the most "romantic" moment in my life. My friends and I were discussing romance, and these ladies have stories about romantic getaways, rose petals on the bed, the naked under the trench coat, feeding strawberries...you know, the usual. I have to admit I am slightly jealous. When I think of my romantic life, I can think of ONE instance that held me captive, only to be let down. And it wasn't with a boyfriend. The irony.

When I was 18/19, I had a crush on this guy. He was fine, captivating, and a great friend. He made me laugh and when I needed him, he was always down to help me. However, he was my ex-boyfriend's friend. Now see I had no problem giving it to this guy, my ex was a loser and got a freshman (in high school) pregnant and was seeing his current wife while he was dating me. So this man moved on, and I wanted to move on to "C". I did all the typical things girls do to get a man's attention: put on make up, wear sexy cute clothes, flirted so hard it was borderline slutacious.

So fast forward, C was fixing my brakes on my car. I was at his house, we were in inside for some reason. No one else was there, and I figure this man will give it up now. He tells me he thinks he saw my ex drive by. We looked out the window. We were so close that all we needed to be was naked. I turned to him and looked up, he looked down. And for that moment, I was filled with all the emotions that love stories are made of. It was raining, my chest was heaving, I wanted this man more than life itself. He stared at me and his eyes were filled with desire. He says to me "let's test the brakes and walks away." My feelings were all types of hurt. But when I think of romance and love, I think of that moment...but it ends very differently. Not with sex, but with the most passionate kiss. I did end up getting that kiss later but that was it.

He later proclaimed he wanted me but couldn't because I dated his friend.
Life is funny.

I want romance.

New Product Blog: Burt Bees Natural Acne Products

2009-08-28T15:22:00.004-04:00

Recently I was given the opportunity via BzzAgent to try out Burt Bees Natural Acne Products. It's a 4 step treatment that consists of a cleanser, scrub, moisturizing lotion, and spot treatment. I received the gel cleanser and the spot treatment. The products contain willow bark, the ingredient that salicylic acid is derived from.

Okay first off, the gel cleanser is 99.5% natural. And it reminds me of lemon joy but thinner. To get a good lather you have to basically lather it in your hands, then put it on your face. And I find that I use more of it than I wish. But that is how Burt bees products are. They do not contain sulfates which is the ingredient that causes that great lather a lot of people love. However, I will admit that my face feels super clean when I am done and it's not drying at all. After using acne treatments my face usually feels very tight, not true with this. The gel cleanser only has 1 % salicylic acid, so for people with mild acne or sensitive skin, this is perfect! I really like this cleanser and the citric smell wakes me up in the morning.

The spot treatment I only used twice and both times, I woke up to a clear face. It's a liquid, so I had to be careful not to spill it. The treatment is 100% natural and has a .75% concentration of salicylic acid. Just a little dab on your break out and its' gone.

So overall I'd rate this product a 4 out of 5. I love the fact that it doesn't dry out my skin and I like having a clear face. I haven't had any break outs since I started using it. The only draw back is the liquidness of the cleanser. I wish it was a bit thicker. If you want to join BzzAgent, please click on the banner below! You will see my profile and you can sign up.

Girlie Blog: Mixed Chicks on 4a/b hair

2009-08-21T19:50:00.004-04:00

Okay so a month ago I posted about the Total Beauty quiz and the products Total Beauty recommended I try for my hair. They said Mixed Chicks deep conditioner. I decide to purchase the mixed chicks sample pack. The trio pack has a sample of shampoo, deep conditioner, and leave in. It's 99 cents. However, shipping is about $8. So I got 3 sample packs, and spent $10.

I have to be honest, when I first went to the site I was rolled my eyes. There was no one with hair like ME on the site. And it is called "Mixed Chicks" so that kind of made me think "This is not for me." But I went ahead and purchased the sample packs (I hate paying shipping but the order came quickly and via UPS so really I can't be mad).

First the shampoo: I got to be honest, I wasn't feeling it. The shampoo would NOT lather for me and I am all about the lather. And some of you may say "oh lather is bad, etc, etc" but this shampoo does have a sulfate so the fact I had to go crazy to make my hair bubbly was not great. I have super thick hair, and it was soaked in water. The second wash was better, but they usually are. However, I found the shampoo did nothing for my hair. I could have washed with anything else in my closest, or on my floor, or in the plastic thing...I have shampoo all over.

Deep Conditioner: This is actually pretty good. I put it on for a few minutes while I finished my shower. My hair felt soft and moisturized as I rinsed. My kinks weren't as dry and my hair was very easy to manage. So far so good however I want to try this again...I can't honestly judge a DC on one try. I know cheaper ones that work better, esp for MY type of hair. And this is a big issue. With thicker, kinkier hair, I feel I need MORE than the average person. This is a decent deep conditioner. It worked a lot better on my friend's 3b hair who I used these products on too (and the shampoo still sucked so it wasn't me...)

Leave In: I definitely need to try this again but as of today, I like it. 4a/b hair is little to no curl pattern. My hair ranges from curls the size of coffee stirrers to no curls. This product did a great job at defining the different curls. I don't like how it feels on my hands. My hair dries a little hard, then goes back to being soft. This is just odd to me. However, I LOVE the curl definition. I want to try this again when I am wearing my afro to see how that works for me. But this is a great product. I like it alot.

So what can I say? The leave in right now is my favorite. And that wasn't even what I was looking into. I would suggest anyone who wants to use the products and has type 4a/b hair like myself to get the sample pack first. $10 might seem funky for 3 packs but they are very generous with the samples. I could use the shampoo and conditioner for two different washes. The leave in last much longer depending on how often you use it. I don't hate the products, I think the are for people with hair different from mine. Once I get a new camera (I am halfway to getting my new Kodak Easyshare 10MP camera from amazon...please get familiar with the make money blog) I can take pictures and I will include one of my hair after I use the leave in so people can see how that works.

Next Review: Neutrogena Daily Deep Moisturizer. Probably next month.